The feeling of loss is something one can never comprehend. No matter how much time has gone by, the pain never heals. No matter how much you beg, scream, or cry, the pain of loss will continue to surge through your veins as long as you live. As much as I wish I could change the past, I cannot. I wish I had never been on chemotherapy. I wish I had never had that car accident. I wish my life would have been different then, but it wasn't. My heart is truly in pain every day. I cannot imagine what life had been like if this would have never happened.
Her name was AuroraLynn Amber. I fell in love with this name from the moment we picked it. I had never gotten to know her or even see her face. I fell in love with her the moment I found out about her. She was to be my pride and joy. The most absolute love of my life. Now... Now I will never know.
I guess it wasn't our time yet. There were so many factors that led to the loss of her. The first factor was the birth control. It had failed. This was never supposed to happen in the first place. Had I been smarter or been more careful, this may have never happened. I live with regret every day.
Then there was the chemotherapy. The chemotherapy agent I was taking was used in the past to cause miscarriages. This is why I was on BC in the first place. Methotrexate can cause so many issues with a woman of my age. At the young age of 23, they began me on this harsh treatment. The doctor told me it would be okay. That it should not hurt the pregnancy at the age of 25, but she had lied to me. I will hate her forevermore. I no longer see that doctor. She took something from me that day. She took away my life.
The hours and hours of research I did after I found out I was pregnant, I will never get back. All the medical journals, the consults with doctors, and the hours of the agony of wonder still haunt me. The articles I read, most children born out of chemotherapy are almost always disfigured if they make it that far. Limbs in places they aren't supposed to be, water on the brain, born without a skull, and so many other disabilities. The public is unaware of these problems. If I had never been misdiagnosed, I may have been able to carry her to full term and be able to see that beautiful face.
I was misdiagnosed with seronegative rheumatoid arthritis. The first disease the doctor thought I had was Lyme's disease. I took medications for Lyme's disease for many months until I got fed up with the doctor and sent the results to a specialist. The specialist said I never even had Lyme's disease, to begin with. After that wrong diagnosis, the same doctor then decided I had seronegative rheumatoid arthritis. This is when she began me on the methotrexate. This caused so many problems for me. Horrible stomach pain, hair loss, and sickness. There were days I was unable to even pull myself out of bed for the many months I was on the medicine.
I am not saying that medicine is a bad option for those who need it. I do think it is a bad option for young women and men. If the patient is not at an age where they are done having a family, then they should never take this medicine, at least for rheumatoid arthritis. There are so many more options out there, but insurance companies make you try this first. It can cause infertility, hair loss, and ruin the natural immune system. I am sure that this medicine is effective for those who need it, but from the perspective of rheumatoid arthritis, I would say to not take it. I truly believe this led to the loss of my kin.
Since methotrexate used to be used as an abortion method, one should never get pregnant while taking it. I understand that they will not even have you take this medicine if you are not on some type of birth control, but what if that birth control fails? Then what do you do? You hope and pray that there was not any damage to your future child. You agonize on this day and night. It haunts you by night and day. Your body cannot handle the pregnancy because the chemotherapy agent you've been taking is trying to reject that child.
Then there was the car accident. This was another factor in the loss of her. Had I been paying more attention that would have never happened. Had that pedestrian never walked in front of me I would never have caused that accident. I wouldn't have hurt those poor people. I totaled their car and completely smashed their windshield. Both of them claimed they were not hurt, but I still believe I hurt them. I know that could have been prevented. Had I waited another second? Just one more split second, then I could have avoided the accident completely. Why did all of this have to happen in a row? I was not meant to have her. Maybe I was not privileged enough to have her presence in my life. Maybe I am not supposed to have children.
Then people tell you it was never your fault. There was nothing you could possibly do that could have changed what was going to happen. It eats you up inside. It consumes you. You will never be the same. You can let it consume you or you can choose to continue on. But have these people ever experienced something similar? Do they know how you're really feeling? There will always be the what-ifs and the could have been, but there will never be a future there. There will always be a wonder. You never really experience any closure after something like this happens.
Coping with this type of loss is probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to do next to losing my father. After I lost my father, I spiraled out of control. I began rebelling. I skipped school, I didn't do my homework, and my grades suffered for that. I never got into that Ivy League school I imagined because I allowed that loss to consume me. This type of loss is different. It is not the same as losing someone you once loved that you knew for many years of your life. Believe me, both types of loss bring a large amount of pain. This type of loss hurts a bit different than the loss of a family member.
This type of loss is losing a piece of yourself. There will always be that feeling of emptiness. That piece of your heart that was never able to feel. The piece of your brain that never got filled with memories. All those years you never got to spend with them. All those times you imagined what they would have been like or what they would have looked like. Would they have looked more like their father or more like their mother? Would they grow up to be a neurosurgeon or an artist? Those milestones in their life you will never get to experience. The first day of preschool, the first day of kindergarten, graduations, relationships, and so much more.
All of this kills me inside. All I can do is mask the pain. I wake up every morning, get dressed go to work and then go home. The same routine every day. I mask the pain with antidepressants. This is the only way to function. Without them, I am rude and angry. I take out my pain on everyone in my life. My boyfriend, who had to experience the same loss, is my worst target and I regret that every day. I regret this even happened. Why did it have to happen to us? Why did we have to lose her? Why did this little piece of heaven get taken away before she even began? These are all questions I will never have the answers to. I will never get to know.
All I know is I cannot keep going on this way. I have to learn how to deal with it. I need to learn how to talk to others. I need to learn how to release this pain. I keep it bottled up inside. The only person I've talked to this about partially is my boyfriend. I don't like to mention it to him too much because I know it hurts him too. I guess this is the beginning of my remembering. I will never forget her. I will always continue to wonder, but I will not let it consume me.
