Story Of My Life

Learning to gain and lose

It's weird living in a house with someone you don't talk to especially if they know everything about your past, how you feel, what you felt like doing to yourself. It caused me pain.

I used to pray to have a brother, every night I would pray before I would would go to sleep. I was excited that I got a brother, I just never thought he would just stop talking to me.

It hurt me so much, I would cry at night thinking he would rush in anytime telling me I didn't lose him, I waited to see if anything happened, but..No reaction, nothing.

Every time we sat down to eat we both just times at times gave each other glances, I thought maybe he would want to talk again and go back like how everything used to be.

But I was once again wrong.. Why do I always lose the people I start to care about.

Am I just not good enough?

Do I really just deserve to leave and let them live in peace?

Most importantly..Would they care if I even left?

All those questions started running through my head and I kept trying to stop thinking about it but it just chased me down endlessly.

It was annoying, and irritating to have those questions stuck to my head, I just wanted to escape from the small cage I was in.

I felt like all that pain was the small scraps of food I would get if I was looked up in a small cage.

At this point I forgot how it feels to love, or it is to love.

I only remembered the love I got from my grandfather..But I don't think I'll ever feel that love again.

They said you'll always find your special person in the future.

I never believe it until I did..

I was in 5th grade, towards the end of the year I was with my best friend Johan, It was our 5th year anniversary of being friends. I've known him since 1st grade. My first ever friend.

I treated him more as a younger brother though. Only difference was he was always there for me when I needed him the most.

If you're thinking he is the one, you're wrong. I never though of him that way, but our classmates did since we where so close.

It was someone else, who I didn't even know he went to my school.

Since the 3rd grade he's been liking me and I never knew he existed and I've been there since 1st grade. 

Sad right?

I remember that say day of my anniversary with Johan my friend Tatiana came up to me telling me who the love of my life was.

Eddy..

I remember his shy smile when Tati was telling me he liked me. 

I remember how happy his was when I told him we could start off as friends first..

His gorgeous smile.

I'l always remember that day, I'll never once forget it nor will I want to.

After a week or so he finally asked me to be his girlfriend.

I didn't know what to say since I never knew how it felt to like after that small accident back when I was in 3rd grade. I told him that I needed some time.

After school walking my way home, I saw him crying and I kept asking what was going on. His friend was telling that he was crying cause I rejected him. Everyone looked at me disappointed.

I was so confused..I never said anything, I just told him I needed time.

I got home and I went into my room to cry. I kept hitting my chest beating myself up asking myself why do I always bring people pain. I kept asking why am I the one who always ruins things.

I kept crying until the following day, I told my self to hold my chin up high and tell him I'll be with him.

During lunch when I told him.. I felt my heart warm up I felt like I now knew how it felt to feel love.

He attacked me in a hug telling me he'll never hurt me, and that he'll protect me at all costs.

I remember those words..

I sadly had to hide it from my mom since she never really liked the thought of me liking anybody or of me being in a relationship. Of course I would understand I was only in 5th grade.

After another week passed by there was a field trip. The last one of the year.

It was a picnic. Cute right?

Me and him treated it as a date.

My absolute favorite part was where we where racing and he bumped his head into the bouncy house.

I remember falling to the ground laughing so hard.

I saw how his face got red and I started laughing more. Until he started laughing with me..

When I heard him laugh I stopped laughing and I smiled at him as I admired his presence.

After that we lost communication cause summer started.

Then 6th grade came along. It was tough as we start to have eight classes.

That year I didn't have a single class with him, nor did we have the same lunch hours.

So the only times I got to see him was during the morning, and when we where walking home. The relationship then started going on and off, we started to stop seeing each other, waiting for each other as both our times where getting filled with extra work or a sport.

Until one day..I did the worst thing I could ever do to myself..But most importantly cause pain to him..

I ended it the relationship cause I saw how hard he tried to be with me..But I always thought..Why stop having friends? Go out with them you don't always need to be by my side.

Sometimes when I hung out with my friends he would ditch his friends to come to me, he didn't even mind if he was the only boy. I understand a guy would always want to be with his girl, that never bothered me.

Until one day his friends came up to me asking me why he started being distant from them, why they never hung out more.

I thought at the time talking to him was gonna cause more conflict to us, so I thought the best thing to do was just cut it there..

That day..I no longer wanted to get with anybody cause I liked them..

I would say after 5 months or so I started getting into best friends with benefits I never cared about getting into a serious relationship.

I just wanted the attention and just to do whatever I wanted, of course I got with people who also didn't care.

AND of course I was wise enough not to lose my virginity. I always thought other things wouldn't bother me as much other then losing my virginity just to anyone, that bothered me the most. Of course the using and friend with benefits never took it that far.

My first hook up was with someone in my old neighborhood named Bryan. He was also my first kiss.

We would hide behind his house just to make-out, or sometimes I would sneak into his house at night. I also meet his mom one time.

It was funny how she walked in his room as we where just kissing.

I was gonna make it serious until he moved.

He never said bye, I didn't really mind it though after all it was nothing serious.