Looking Back

Chapter Two: Going Up

Having that in my head. That this person made from my subconscious wants me to die. What I realized later is that if this came from my subconscious, that means, deep down, I want to die and let go. I want to leave my dad, my friends. I want to die. Who wants to die?

The soft, cadence beeping of my heart monitor finally lulled me to sleep. It was late- about 1:46am- and I couldn't sleep. Thoughts of death kept running through my mind. Nothing stuck, thoughts just came into my head, then escaped again. Most of them were of why I wanted to die, my life wasn't that bad. I wasn't popular, but I had a good, close group of friends. They were all supportive of my cancer and visited just the right amount of times, not crowding me, but not ignoring me. My father was also supportive, even though he throws himself into his work most of the time and rarely has a free night to spend only with me. But the thoughts cleared my tired brain and let me shut off for the night. Another deep sleep, but the dreams were all forgotten in the morning.

Bam! As rush went through me, it felt as if I was flying and then was dropped, falling to the ground, unable to breath or fully comprehend what was happening. I could move, but was numb; my long, skinny limbs weren't mine, someone else's. Another rush swam through my body. Nothing in its place. Faint voices spoke quickly in the background. I was moving, going somewhere I didn't have control over.

The thin hospital gown, the only piece of clothing covering my body, was ripped off, exposing me. They checked my heart beat, my IV, everything was checked. My pulse had slowed, but it felt like it was beating ten times faster. Finally they found it, the cause of my pain, my death. I had begun to bleed out after they checked everything. Dizziness and other symptoms had washed over me before the bleeding had actually begun. Pools of blood spilled out me, I vomited more and more blood out, too much. Too much blood.

I fainted. Everything black. Doctors gathered, but the blood supply was low. More couldn't arrive in time.

I could have tried longer. I could have fought for consciousness. I didn't. The voice. The dream. Everything drove me towards this one last decision. And they won. The figure won. I died and there wasn't any turning back; I let the darkness close in.

Everyone said not to go towards the light. The light at the end of the tunnel. In a way, I disobeyed that. In a way, I went towards the light. But what they don't know is that there is no light. You can only fight while conscious. Once you faint, once you have no control, there is only light. There isn't a light at the end of a tunnel. There isn't a choice you can make afterwards. There is no tunnel, there is no light at the end of it. Once you die, once give up while on Earth, your time is up. And you go up. You don't float out of your body. You aren't lifted up by angels. On Earth, everything goes black. Then you come back to consciousness in the room. The room where everything is explained. The room that tells you what happens next. The room that explains how to meet god.

Now that you know how I got here, in the room. You can move forward with me. She gave me minute to clear my head, to organize my thoughts and questions about life. My minute is up. That was my minute. Going through what happened to help me understand how I died and why. What you would call my life is over. My life is over. But really, truly it's just beginning.