The Truth Behind Our Fears

Accidental B-Day

"MOM! DAD! JAYDE! CHRISSY! OVER HEAR! THIS WAY!" I have to stop yelling, talking altogether. I can feel the burn in my throat' the burn making it's way to my lungs.

I scoop up Chrissy and grab Jayde's hand, praying that mom and dad can find their way. It's to dangerous up here, and Chrissy is getting heavy, so I toss Chrissy against our once carpeted floor and let go of Jayde's hand. "Crawl and follow me" I say over my shoulder, trying to ignore the pain.

We eventually reach the stairs, but I couldn't see them and Jayde kept going, tumbling down our wooden stairs. Chrissy seems to think it is a good idea too and just as she reaches to first step I scoop her up and ball myself around her so she wouldn't get hurt as I tumble down after Jayde.

"Jayde, where are you?" My voice comes out harsh and quiet. I get no answer but I soon bump into something. "Jayde! Is that you?" I know before she answers, and when she doesn't, I push Chrissy onto my back, ignoring the searing pain I am in, and pick up Jayde's limp body. Running into the dark and foggy air, I reach our front door, feeling for the doorknob. The doorknob is extremely hot but I posh through it, I have to get us out. Pushing the door open, I stumble through, rapidly searching for my parents. But they aren't out here, they are still inside. Two medics run up to me, a fireman right on their tail. One medic takes Jayde from my arms, and the other takes Chrissy off my back. The one with Chrissy gently takes my arm, but I don't move. I have to talk to the fireman, I need to know if my parents came out, or of they are still in. I shake my head. I can't go. The medic leaves with Chrissy in her arms.

I turn to the fireman, "have my parents, come out yet?" My voice is rough and raspy, and it burns and hurts so bad to speak.

He looks into my eyes, and no they haven't.

And even with the smoke in my lungs and throat, I scream.

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5 year old Chrissy runs into my room, with our a Grandma behind her.

I must've been screaming again, but I couldn't help it. Tomorrow is my 13th birthday, and every year around the time, the dreams come back to me.

"Cee, quiet. You go back to bed, and I'll talk to Skye." My grandma quietly talks to Chrissy and gently pushes her towards the door.

Once Chrissy leaves, grandma comes and sits on the edge of my bed.

"The dreams, they are coming back." I hiss quietly, hoping grandma won't hear the fear in my voice.

"I know dear. I know you miss them." Her voice is soothing, but I can hear a hint a sadness. She reaches out and slowly rubs my back, doing nothing much to calm me. Instead I feel warm tears stream down my face.

"Grandma, I'm scared."

"I know you are dear, but it wasn't your fault." She continues to rub my back slowly.

"But you don't know, it was my fault..." Tears start rolling down my cheeks faster.

"No it wasn't dear." Some part of me wants to believe her, but the majority, the part that conjures up those dreams, knows it was my fault.

"Grandma!" I yell. She removes her hand from my back and looks at me, I can see the pain in her eyes, but I keep going, "it was my fault!" The pain worsens, "I was the one who knocked over those candles!" It was my fault, and I will never forget it.

"It could've been a different kid. It's not your fault that your parents died."

"No! Grandma, it was!" She thinks I'm crazy, I can see it in her eyes, along with the pain. "I was running around and jumping up and down and knocked over the candles. I got Chrissy and Jayde out, I could've got mom and dad out too." I yell. I pause to take a breath. "And it should've been me tumbling down those stairs at full speed, she was just a kid! But I did fall down those stairs, and I didn't even get hurt badly. I should've grabbed a rag or cloth the out around Chrissy's mouth and nose so she wouldn't have permanent breathing and heart problems!" I pause again, and look into my grandmas eyes, I can see she has almost had enough of this, enough of me. I can FEEL it. But I keep going. "AND.." But I never get to finish, because grandma stops me.

"I'm done with your rambling! I try to comfort you, try to get into that thick head of yours, but nothing works! I don't know what to do anymore." She whispers the last sentence, but it's still audible.

She gets up and walks towards my door, then turns around, whispering even lower than before, "it wasn't your fault." Then walks away.

I pick up my pillow and chuck it at the wall. I hear a scream, jerking my head towards the noise, and see little Chrissy ducking while waving at something in the air. Almost like bugs... But then she sees me looking at her, and says "you didn't kill mommy and daddy, the little bugs did" the little girl points and whatever things she's imaging floating around in the air, and then walks off to her room.

That what strange, she never talks, but I don't spend much time thinking about it. Instead I throw off the blankets and step onto the cold, hardwood floor. I walk over to my pillow and pick it up. Originally I was just going to grab the pillow and go back to sleep, but something drew me out of the room, pillow still in hand.

I walked past my grandmas room, heads towards my sisters room. The door is closed. Normally I would just knock and walk in, but I could hear her mumbling about flying creatures and mommy and daddy. How she even remembers them is a miracle considering the condition she is in and how old she was.

I decide I will just walk in and tuck her in bed, stop any nonsense about flying creatures before she decides she can fly.

"Knock knock" I say as I push the door open.

Chrissy looks up at me with those big brown eyes and smiles.

"Chrissy, you should go to bed now, ok?" I walk towards her on the floor, and pick her up, pillow still in tow. She shakes her head as if to say no, but I place her in bed and cover her up with the blankets anyways. She looks at me, and then the pillow, as if asking if she can have my pillow. I just sigh, but nod and give it to her. She snuggles up against the pillow.

"Goodnight. Try to sleep." I lean down and give her a kiss on the forehead.

I walk out of her room, silently closing the door behind me. What a strange little girl.

As I walk back past Grandmas room, I pause momentarily. I thought I heard mumbling, but just shrug and walk back to my room.

When I reach my bed, I fall face first, grabbing a handful of blankets and yanking them towards me to keep warm.

It takes a couple hours of tossing and turning, but I eventually fall asleep, only to be disturbed by another dream.