U.M. // H2OVanoss

Chapter 8

My therapist told me to try writing a letter whenever my... feelings get really bad. Some bullshit about letting out my emotions or something but whatever.

Dear myself (you fucking piece of shit you're such a dumbass),

I can't breathe.

Like I'm trying really hard to calm down but I just can't and I know this is worse than before I just know it, but I don't know what's causing it.

I'm sad. And hurt.

I can't stop thinking about him.

I want to stop thinking about him. He fucking ruined me, I need to forget about him, but I can't and I fucking hate myself for it I just want to go back to when everything was okay.

I still wish I had died. I just tell people that I don't. It's easier that way.

Lying is too easy.

I fucking hate it.

And Craig texting me pretending to once again give a fuck about me doesn't fucking help. If I was dead I wouldn't have these problems. I could be rotting away underground while he rots away in prison. While they all fucking rot away in their thoughts as they realized how shit they were at being my friends.

At least I hope.

Jonathan would be happier without me. I know he would. All I do is ruin his plans and be sad and moody and have too much shit going on in my head to ever be truly loved.

Maybe I should've just stayed with Tyler.

But I fucking hate him, he ruined my fucking life for no fucking reason other than he "loves" me.

I love Jonathan, but I would never in a million years hurt him just to keep him close to me. That would be sick and twisted. I couldn't live with myself if I did that.

If he didn't want me, it'd be okay. If he had to leave me in order to find his happiness, I'd let him.

All I want is for him to be happy, but he won't be happy with me. Why would he?

I'm not happy with me.

I wish I could fucking die, but getting refunds for my college would be hard for my mom; she's already really busy, I shouldn't do that to her. Not again.

I'm not worth that much trouble.

If only I could have quietly disappeared. Not a trace left behind. I should've kept quiet and agreed with Tyler. Let whatever happened happen, then disappear.

No one would've been running after me. Looking for me.

I would be free.

Maybe I'd be happy, too.

But, this is fine.

It's fine.

I'm fine.