Dear Matt,
I've always been the invisible kind of girl. You know, the kind of girl that can scream as loud as she can and no one will hear her. I've always been the kind of girl just screaming for attention.
Not the kind of attention everyone wants.
Actually its not even attention, its more like affection.
That's it.
You've got to understand me, I was an only child from a rich family. My parents spent their lives drowned in their work and I never got attention let along affection.
You came on your horses riding into my life. You gave me all this attention, you made me feel wanted. Wanted, that's the what every person wants to feel. To feel like another person needs you and that's exactly how you made me feel and I can't be thankful enough for that. I can't thank you enough for making me feel that way.
You looked at me like no other person ever did. You took an interest in me.
"I can see the mystery behind your eye and I just want to find out more." You had said to me.
You found out about every one of my secrets and insecurities, you made me feel special.
You stood up for me, you became my best friend.
Do you remember when you use to spend the night at my place and we would laugh about anything and everything? Do you remember the late night conversations ,we used to have, that were filled with confessions?
Do you remember our favourite coffee shop down the street?
You had asked me to be your girlfriend on a Sunday night. I still remember that faithful drunk afternoon. Most girls would've been shocked to be asked out in such conditions but I was as happy as a 21 year old girl could be.
You knew that my high school experience hadn't been the best and you knew how to take care of me.
I still remember how it all ended. We had gotten in a fight over something stupid. We always fought but this fight seemed to set something off in my head.
We had taken a break and you had gotten with someone else. That had hurt a lot. But we stayed best friends nonetheless.
"This town will always too small for all the dreams held inside my head. I'm sorry but I can't stay." I had told you. I was leaving for that reason.
I was scared. It wasn't the thought of moving on that scared me, it was the thought of never coming back.
I had always been a dreamer and that break we had, made me realise that I wanted to make those dreams happen. I wanted to make my dreams a reality.
You didn't try to hold me back, but I won't hold it against you because I think that you also knew that I needed it. You let me go, not because I didn't mean anything to you but because you knew that I needed something new and I needed to find myself.
As I sat in the plane that afternoon, I realised something.
I fell in love with the way you'd stumble out of bed in the morning and your eyes screamed exhaustion. I loved the way you would hold me as we walked to the famous coffee shop. I loved the way you would ask for two sugars but you would actually mean three. I fell in love with the way you kissed me and the way you made me feel. I fell in love with our late night conversations and our coffee dates.
I realised that I fell in love with your existence, your presence but not you. I never actually love you. I loved the way you made me feel special and wanted.
Can you understand that?
I saw this boy on the bus today and he reminded me of you. He looked nothing like you but there was something in his attitude that reminded me of you. The way he looked at everyone curiously like he was analysing them. Just like you 'analised' me.
So now I'm writing you this letter and I hope everything is going well for you. I heard you got married and I am sorry to have missed your wedding. I hope you found a girl that loves you for the amazing person you are, as for me quite a lot of events have occurred.
I met this guy, Jack. Actually I have met THE guy.
He's amazing. He loves me for who I am and accepts me. He understands me and makes me feel special and wanted all the time. Which is something that you failed to do because you would make me feel like that only for a short period of time.
I remember having a conversation with you about adventure and I remember ending saying that one of us would one day find out what it is and we'll find out the truth.
Well I am now proud to say that I have found out the true meaning.
I went skinny dipping in Tennessee, I skydived alone, I learned to waltz with clumsy old people (which is where I met Jack), took pictures underwater and I met some new people also. I made art and just did whatever I wanted.
And I guess that's what adventure is. Going away and not knowing anything that is going to happen. It's about meeting new people that can change your life. And I guess I could be wrong but that's another subject.
Anyway, I wanted to invite you to my wedding next year. (The invitation will be coming soon)
Yes I am getting married. You and your wife are both welcome and I really hope you can come.
We'll talk about old times and you'll tell me about your new life and me about my own and maybe this time we can make our friendship work.
Lot's of love,
Your best friend, Ella.
