So I was going to write this after that chapter but then got distracted because brodie found it and yk my mental health is at an all time low but anyway the downfall is where I kinda just crumbled.
A couple of days ago on tuesday 31st march I broke up with my partner and proceeded to hit self destruct throughout the rest of the day and surprisingly it wasnt really because of them part of it was I guess because I felt like a shitty person but you know gertrudes boyfriend said a whole bunch of truth which i already knew but didnt help my mental health and just a bunch of shit happened and pushed my over the edge to wear I was planning to attempt either that night or the next morning when my mum wasnt home honestly I'm still in that state of mind I still wish I wasnt on this planet and I've said this to multiple people if there was somewhere to hang myself in my flat I would've been dead a long time ago but anyway I realised my mum kept wanting me to do stuff that night so I didnt really have a chance to do anything that would kill me sadly so I resorted back to a really dark place that I havent seen for about 6 months I thought I had gotten better happier but I'm back to c*tting my wrists and because we are in quarantine my mum wont notice because I can just chuck a dressing gown on or some shit. Anyway I still do it on my thigh but I do it on my wrist as well and I want to get out of this place again someone fucking help me because I hate my state of mind like this there is no positivity and my attitude to everything is well who gives a fuck I'll be dead soon anyway but no it's fine I can only get myself out because it's my fault im here in the first place. Emotions are shit yk either you feel numb when you want to feel things or idk you just always feel stuff you shouldn't and you dont want to right now I feel numb and like I'm eternally falling but its chill yk I'm used to it no matter what happens I wont fucking change no matter what happens I will always be numb and suicidal and that's fine that's me I guess I've just got to deal with it.......if I dont die by my own hands then fuck it everyones gonna get a million pounds because I very much doubt that 'natural causes' are gonna get me and if they do its gonna be an asthma attack because I smoked too much. My friends hopefully getting me a vape soon
YOU ARE READING
cause I'm a fuck up
Losowethe only one of my friends that will know about this is grace because I know I can trust her always I wont tell any of my future bf gf or anything if this isnt enough to tell you i fuck up a lot then you will see in this book because I'm going to ta...
