I never thought that I would be writing a story, when I can't even tell it to others. I don't know which word to start and what concept I would like to build in for a good life story. All I know is that I'm so down and I want to express myself through this stupid book that I am trying to create.
I felt the pressure lately.
Naramdaman mo na ba 'yon? Have you ever been so angry to the world that all you just did was cry all the fucking night? Then sometimes you'll just realize that fate is not on your side, that everyone is hating you so much for doing nothing, yung tipong sinakripisyo mo na lahat para sa kanila.
It's like you existed just to live the life for them, pero in the end ikaw parin yung masama, ikaw parin yung selfish.
Tumingin lang ako sa labas ng bintana, watching the people walk passing by this café. I wonder if they felt it too, if they're feeling it too. Looking at every person I start feeling envious. Smiles are drawn to their faces while talking on the phone or while talking to the people they're walking with. Life must have been so good to them. They move so light and fresh na parang walang iniisip at kung meron man sigurado akong hindi iyon kasing bigat ng akin. This thoughts are about to drown me again.
Napabuntong hininga na lang ako at ininom ang kape na inorder. Muli kong binalingan ng tingin ang journal na nasa harap ko, wala pa ring laman. How do you even write a story? How do other people write about what they feel? Kinuha ko ang aking ballpen at nag tangka na mag sulat pero hanggang ngayon wala pa ring lumalabas na salita sa utak ko.
"Ma'am ito na po yung pasta niyo, order complete na po ba?" He smiled boyishly at me, para bang nang aasar. I rolled my eyes at kumain ng pasta.
"Tigilan mo ko Vieric." tumawa lang siya sa inasta ko. He's my bestfriend since we're in high school and he works at this café as a barista.
He's about to leave when he walks back at me. "Huwag kang mag pakalunod sa isip mo, kanina pa kita tinitignan eh." I flashed a grimace face at him, ngumiwi lang siya at natawa sa ginawa.
"isulat mo na lang yang nasa isip mo." He showed a small smile, not boyish, a smile that he knows that comforts me.
I let out a sigh and tried scribbling random words on my journal.
'The world hates me for carrying him but,
whines when I drop him off.
Oh, Mr. World when will you be satisfied?'
After writing a short one, inubos ko na ang pasta na nasa harap ko. Checking the time I found out it's almost late, I'm being too fond of this café that I end up not minding wasting my time here.
I look around, this place is too vintage. The Beatles album covers placed on the wall, Manilyn Monroe posters. They also have vintage vinyl player and gramophones. It has the vibe of 90's with brown and cream.
Grabbing my phone, sinaksak ko ang earphones ko and played one of my favourite song, Avril's Head Above Waters. Kinda sums up how I'm trying to live my whole life, listening to it I'm swearing to keep my head still above once more, hoping I can finally dry myself up one day from the drenched of the world's noise.
