still holding on (revised)

a pool of water

i remember the day like it was yesterday.

it was the first day of my last year in junior high. my dad had just been stationed in japan, and for the time leading up to that phone call, everything was going so well. we called everyday, wrote letters, and he even sent back a couple when he could.

maybe it was too perfect. maybe that's why it went so wrong.

a month later we woke up to the phone ringing off the hook. this was the day that ruined my family. the day that broke everyone around me down to the bare bone. i can't even recall how bearable life was before it.

there was a compromise. war began shortly after the opposing troops arrived and completely tore the camp up. the vivid detail was so unnecessary to me when the major told us, but it was only proved to be such a nuisance to me because i didn't want to believe it. a regular story could never dream to have so much detail; a made-up story, anyway.

the days that followed were the loneliest days of my life. although i had the support from my brothers and now-widowed mother, it's hard to believe such love when the people giving you the love are coming from the same broken place. they were hurting just as much and if not more than i was. wanting them to be there for me would be like asking a baby to care for their mother; how could they help someone else if they don't even know how to deal with their own problems?

from that day forward, i vowed to never let my selfishness get in the way of my love for my family. there is nobody else in the world that i can love more than them.

but today marked the second week of high school. things were better, but the tension was always there. it may not have always been a negative atmosphere, but it was a heavy one. a noticeable one. i slung my bag over my shoulder, buttoning up the sleeves of my blazer.

"have a good day sweetheart," my mom spoke quietly, handing me a small tupperware container wrapped in cute fabric. i smiled, letting her place the box in my hands.

"thanks mom," i placed it in my bag, sitting on the chair across from her. i rested my elbows on the counter, drawing circles with my finger on the hard wood.

"you okay sweetie? school life treating you alright?" she spoke in her usual soft tone.

my hands became clammy. why was i getting so nervous all of the sudden? the question wasn't even out of the ordinary.

my mom looked up, searching for a sign for if i was listening or not. i shook my head.

"it's—!" i paused, "it's going great. nobody is giving me trouble." i tried my best to hide the shakiness in my throat.

this wasn't the first time this incident happened. even though my mom and father were so different, hearing her say such things reminds me of him; of his warmth. it makes me nervous in a way, at least that's what i've concluded after thinking about it so many times before bed. it makes me so nervous that i think her words are his, and that i won't be able to answer before the feeling of him disappears from her lips.

she smiles with a bittersweet expression. sometimes i wonder what my mom thinks during the time she spends alone. it's possible she has so much free time that maybe it becomes painful for her. i could only hope she's taking care of herself when we aren't around.

my brother walks hastily through the hallway, adjusting his bag strap and maneuvering his hair with his lanky fingers.

"you ready so-young?" i nodded, hopping off the chair. we wave off our departure as our mother does so back. i close the door behind me and we start walking off toward shinhwa high.

i kick the rocks in the road, my mind still not recovering from the incident this morning.

"do you," i began, the words suddenly leaving my lips without my permission. my brother looked toward my direction. i glances up at him then back at my shoes. "do you think mom is okay?"