it's like a thousand knives being stabbed through your heart
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just another day in the hell
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my life today is sorrowful, but numb. i don't feel the pain anymore really. It's only all in the memories. But I live with the memories, and they haunt my sleep, my dreams. I have finally realized there is no escape, because there is nowhere that my love cannot follow me. I don't want to be the cause of his pain. It physically hurts me to see him cry. i love him, I can't hurt him. The only thing is, I can't change what's hurting him. Not anymore. I can't stop it. I wish with all my heart and soul that I could ease his pain smoehow, but I don't have that power. I can't, and it kills me to see that he is suffering. Even when I can't see him, and perhaps especially then. I understand why he gets high now. It is his escape. I just don't want him throwing his life away like this. But I don't want him to suffer, to feel the pain I feel. I don't want to be the cause of his emotional death. Because I've felt that, and maybe it's hardened my heart to the pain. as far as I know, he hasn't had his heart crushed like that, and i don't want to hurt him like I was hurt before.
He is my only lifeline now, the only escape from the pain in my heart. The only remnant of my life, of who I am. Or who I once was. He is the only thing I haven't lost. Yet.
