Our Raging War

To be Heartless

The human heart is truly the most dangerous thing of all.

The heart has its own impulse, in a sense. It will act on its own accords. It ignores the walls you build up, it ignores your previous heartbreaks and traumas, it ignores your resistance to emotion. Rather, it slumbers and stirs, waiting for the moment to awaken. And my gods, when it awakens, you best believe your own personal hell has broken loose.

Your heart knows everything about you, whether you like it or not. Let's be honest, it was there to experience everything with you from the very beginning. Be it meeting your best friend, having a hopeless crush, your first kiss, your first heartbreak... it's been there with you through it all. The good and the bad, the happiness and the pain.

The human race as a whole is so unaware of this, I believe. We don't stop to truly realize just how much our heart has gone through with us and the marks it leaves on our soul, permanent or not.

Since our childhoods, we always hear stories of the power our minds have, how controlling and utterly consuming it can be. But we are our own minds, aren't we? We let ourselves spiral into insanity simply because our chaotically crazy selves enjoy pain. That's why we put ourselves through trauma... right? Ultimately, we are our own brains inside a human vessel, exploring the world at dangerous costs.

Humans enjoy pain so much that we decide to take it out on our heart. Oh, the poor, poor heart. It knows our sins and tragedies like we know the back of our own hands. We thrash it through the mud, tear it to pieces, leave it to rot on the ground. But to what end? To what end does it survive our own destruction?

I can give you the answer to that. The end is different for everyone. The will of the mind versus the dedication of the heart have been a war the human race has faced since their own beginning.

It all ends the same, though. In heartlessness. If there ever is a winner in that war, it is always the mind: The one who comes out stronger. The heart waves the white flag, surrendering itself to the almighty brain. But does the brain really win?

I question that myself all the time. After all I, Lilith Evanna, am heartless. I can't quite remember when my heart lost the war. All I remember was searing pain until... nothing. That all seems like ages ago, honestly. I've been a walking void for as long as I can remember. I feel so empty.

So why is it that I still have the ability to crave?

I crave to feel something. Even if just once. Gods, I'd sell whatever is left of my rotting soul to experience an emotion again. I've read every psychological book there is. Studied and studied only to find frustrating dead ends. And, get this, I think you'll have a kick out of it. I even begged to every stupid star in this whole shitting universe in hopes that something would happen, that something would listen. But nothing ever did.

So, not only do I ask myself about the supposed winner of an everlasting war, I also ask myself this: What will it take to heal me?