Falling | h.s

three

JANIE'S POV

When I was younger and my parents would drive me to school, I would stare out the window at the Tennessee countryside and people watch. I watched Ms. MacDonald drink her morning coffee on her porch with her golden retriever. I watched Mr. Goldberg get into his paint-chipped truck, heading to work at the mechanic. I watched Mrs. Miller load her own four kids into an old minivan to take them to school. I used to wonder: "Is this is what they always wanted?" "Are they really happy?" I always wondered if they ever wanted more--if they were ever hungry from something outside of our little town. I was never sure if I was weird for wanting to leave or if there was something wrong with me. 

For as long as I could remember, I wanted to leave my home state. I wanted to say fuck you to my parents, slam the front door of my childhood home, and never turn back. But with every passing day, that dream slips further and further away from me. Until it was three days before college graduation and the only job option I had was to teach music at the local elementary school -- the same school I attended myself. 

It's hard to explain the feeling of accepting mediocrity. I guess more than anything it's hard to accept the mediocrity as your reality, as the way your life is going to be every day for the rest of your life. 

Whenever we spoke about this trip growing up, the girls were always so excited to go to Malibu, but also about what came after it. Emma talked about saving lives, Bella about changing lives, and Zoey about expressing herself through design. I guess for me, though, my dreams started and ended in California. They'd talk about my future, too. They'd come up with scenarios of me sending the songs I wrote to musicians and labels and instantly getting a record deal and all my dreams coming true. They'd make me promise to remember them when I was famous. It's was a nice sentiment, but I think we all always knew, deep down, that I would end up back in Johnson City. That I would marry Charlie, we'd have three kids, I'd be a stay at home mom, and really, my life wouldn't be too interesting. And I guess that would be fine...will be fine. I just always hoped for a little bit more in life. So, hearing Charlie confirm my fears and confirming a life of mediocrity, I can't help but feel a bit heartbroken. A bit misunderstood. 

From just one look at me, the girls could tell how I was feeling. We were all a bit telepathic that way, always able to read each other like an open book. I guess that's what happens when you've known each other for 12 years. 

"He's an asshole. You're spectacular," Zoey says, her arm still slung around my shoulder. 

"Okay, don't call him an asshole. He was harsh but it was from a place of love. He just loves you so much that he wants you home," Emma adds, turning to join the conversation. 

"But that doesn't give him the right to be an asshole," Zoey says again, giving me a squeeze. 

Bella practically kicks the door of the bar in and makes a beeline to the bar with Emma. 

"One round of tequila shots!" Bella shouts excitedly. Emma turns to look at my puffy eyes and goes "Oh, make it two!" The bartender rolls his eyes at their outburst, making even me crack a smile 

"Sheesh, sorry for bringing the party," Bella says under her breath causing all of us to laugh. The second he slides the shots across the counter, I practically lunge to down them. 

"That's our girl!" Zoey cheers while Emma orders another round for me. I cough at the taste; I never got used to the tequila, even after years of partying in college. The other three girls take their shots before passing me another which I down quickly. We all sit down on the barstools and I take a minute to look around the bar. It was pretty similar to others we had encountered during our travels; run-down and outdated, with few drinkers. We, as per usual, brought the noise. There were a few small and secluded booths along the far right wall where a man sat hunched over a notebook. Other than him, the bar was fairly empty. Three men sat at a table in the middle of the bar, grumbling over cold beers, while a few other people sit alone with their thoughts. 

"What'll y'all have?" I hear the bartender ask. 

"Three vodka sodas and one gin and tonic with extra lime, please," I hear Bella giggle. When I turn back to the bar, a gin and tonic is seated in front of me. Pleasantly surprised, I take a long sip and listen to the girls chatting with the bartender. He was handsome and a bit rugged; just Bella's type. Emma and I share a look of amusement as she twirls her blonde hair around her finger in attempt to flirt with him. 

"Are there any specials tonight?" Bella grins at the bartender, who seems to be slightly warming up to her. 

"Well, Thursdays are technically karaoke nights, but nobody has done karaoke here in months and --" Zoey gasps, interrupting the bartender. 

"Oh my god, Janie!" Zoey exclaims. "Sing something!" I laugh ironically and take another long sip of my drink. All the girls look at me expectantly. 

"Hell no," I laugh and they groan.

"Pleaaaseee?"Zoey begs. "We haven't heard you sing in ages. I know you've been working on stuff." 

"I don't know," I shake my head, looking down at my drink. Even in front of my favorite people on Earth, I still feel shy and embarrassed to share my songs. "I don't like singing in front of crowds, y'all," I shake my head in protest.

"Janie," Emma says, forcing me to look her in the eyes. "Your fear of looking stupid is holding you back. It's just us!" 

"And like four townies," Zoey adds. 

"And Todd! But I'm sure Todd would love to hear you sing," Bella giggles at the bartender who cracks a smile at her ridiculousness. 

"I don't know...." I say again. 

"I can set up the microphone for you," Todd adds kindly, his demeanor shifting since Bella's flirting. 

"What a great idea, Todd! Why don't you go do that," Bella grins again. He smiles back and heads to the stage. 

"Y'all, seriously, I don't think I want to sing in front of people and I --"

"Stop making up excuses!" Emma interrupts me. "You've had a few shots, it's just the three of us, and who cares! You love to sing and we all want to hear what you've been working on recently." 

Todd whistles, grabbing our attention, before shooting up a thumbs up. I scan the room in a panic, scared to get booed or yelled at for interrupting the silence. But before I can protest again, Zoey hands me my drink and forces me to my feet. 

"Finish your drink and get you ass up there," she demands with a loving tone. I look between the girls, all with excited looks on their faces. 

"Aw, fuck it," I say before chugging the rest of my drink while the girls cheer. I slam my drink glass down on the bar, already feeling in the effects of the shots in my systems, giving me a false sense of confidence. Emma pushes me lightly towards the stage, giving me the push I need to move forward. 

I walk slowly through the bar, scanning the faces of the other bargoers. Much to my surprise, they couldn't seem less interested in my movement towards the stage. I step up the single step of the "stage," which was really just a small wooden platform. I run my fingers along the keyboard, gathering dust. I wipe my hands on my jean cutoffs nervously before finally sitting down at the keyboard. 

I clear my throat before saying "Hi everyone." Zoey whoops loudly as Bella and Emma howl. "My name is Janie and tonight, by my friends' request, I will be singing a song I wrote." A few of the bargoers are looking at me now, making me gulp nervously. "Um, I hope you enjoy." I shift uncomfortably in my seat. 

I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and play the first note.