INSIDE STORY

CHAPTER 4

Amaka is seated at the cafeteria stabbing her noodles with a fork, she can't seem to bring herself to eat, not when her mind is burgeoned with matters that could take her life if she doesn't do anything about it. The night before, she made up her mind that she needs to talk to her boss about this depression that wants to swallow her entire person. At the rate she is going it's so bad that it makes her contemplate suicide most nights.

She stands and heads up the stairs to Janelle's office. Now very close to the door, she reaches for the doorknob...

Almost where? Almost where? You are truly hilarious right now.

Stop this madness already!!!

Amaka tries to open the door and hesitates for a few seconds, she briskly raps the door thrice then pushes open.

"Miss J, I'm sorry for barging into your office this way."

"It's totally okay dear," she adjusts on her chair hoping that Amaka doesn't notice anything suspicious or out of the ordinary.

"What's that smell?" Amaka asks as she goes around the office in a bit to find out where it is emanating from. Janelle looks to her far-right and notices the window that was open; saved by the bell.

"Smell?" Janelle asks. "Oh, I'm guessing that the open window is responsible for it"

Amaka walks over to the window and tries to smell the funny odour, but nothing hits her nose. She sighs and reaches for the air freshener; beside the window, which she uses to spray the room.

"Excuse me," Janelle says as she walks into the office bathroom to wash her hands, she often wonders why she bothers to wash her hands, knowing fully well that this smell takes its time to wear off and does so at will.

She returns to see Amaka sobbing quietly on the sofa and tries to reach out and hold her but stops herself because she reckons she would look stupid trying to explain what that smell was doing on her hands, so she reasons it best to sit opposite Amaka and have her pour out her mind.

Amaka goes on and on about how she loses confidence in herself when in the midst of others which is a major reason why she finds herself in relationships that she thinks will help boost her pride. Most nights when she is all alone she tries to end it all, she believes the world wouldn't miss her and her man, who only enjoys sex with her will find a rebound girl.

"But when I think of how strong you are and your encouraging words to me, I find the courage to sleep and look forward to another day ma," she says as she wails a bit louder now. Amaka has indulged herself with various habits all in the bit to find the strength to be okay and comfortable in her skin and keep living.

Janelle feels so much like a hypocrite right now, she wishes she can tell Amaka that she isn't alone in this, she wishes she can openly tell Amaka the battles she fights when she is alone, hers isn't a problem of self-confidence, rather, she literally worships herself like a goddess and takes pleasure in satisfying her sexual needs knowing fully well that this further keeps her lonely because she fears if someone was to come close enough and see her for who she really is, she might be a step closer to this depression that Amaka sings of. Same reason why she reads all the books written by different authors, on how to channel sexual energy and make it more like a muse to do more positive work than masturbation.

"Amaka, trust me, that peace you seem to be missing can only be found in God."

You didn't just bring God into this matter now... how can you tell her about finding peace with God, when you cannot trust him enough to rid you of this recurrent self-love you have? Next thing you will ask her if she has the Holy Spirit too...

"He gives us His Spirit to live in us and help guide our thoughts and actions...

Seriously? Wow... wow...

... so the next time you feel that way, just trust Him and listen to His voice, He is always speaking, the question is, do you actually listen or are you totally immersed in all that is before you?"

These words seemed to resonate with Amaka, she had really never heard such words before, especially coming from a fellow lady who seemed like she got it all figured out and had no place and need for a higher power in her life. The tears on her face were all dried up now and replaced with a smile, she reaches out and hugs Janelle tightly and whispers a "thank you" in her ears, before standing and leaving more relaxed than she came in.

Janelle feels even worse right now, she is concerned that she can help solve other peoples issues with the word of God she believes but doesn't let have room in her.

Aren't you just a coward? So now she believes you are perfect when your closet is full of skeletons. Are you even sure God loves you? When you kneel down to pray with your hands together in front of your face, what do you smell? That stench doesn't say CHRISTIAN it says PERVERT!!!

Well, preach all you want, If you aren't going to work on yourself, you will keep leading them into heaven while your bed in hell awaits you.

Miss J my foot.

Janelle eats quietly and resumes work for the next 2 hours before she leaves for church, to attend her midweek service.