Shadows of the Past (EN)

2. The Struggle of Being an Artist

You're still here? So, you don't think I'm a heartless monster. Excellent. At least someone with this opinion.

Everyone handles their problems differently. Some people like to scream, other people punch the walls, I paint. When I was a kid, I used to scribble stuff all the time. I was always covered in marker stains and finger paint. My mum was proud of me and my father... my father is a very interesting person; you already know why.

When I was five, one day decided that papers aren't enough for me. My father was in the living room and I was alone in my room, so I decided to paint on my wall. My tiny fingers were trying to paint Seattle's Space Needle during sunset, but you know how small children paint. I created a huge stain that looked like everything and nothing in one, but I was pretty proud of it.

My happiness wasn't long-lasting though. It took only a few minutes before my father decided to check on me. He came into my room with a strict look on his face. I looked up to him with my blue eyes and I immediately knew that something was wrong.

"Emmett you promised me, you won't be naughty ever again," he said with a strict scary voice.

"But look, daddy, it's a Space Needle!" I pointed towards my artwork.

"I don't care, Emmett! You ruined the wall and daddy's gonna have to pay a lot of money to get that thing repainted. I am really upset."

"I'm so sorry, dad. I thought you were going to like it," I cried.

"Show me those naughty hands, Emmett, rules are rules," he says as he unbuckles his belt.

I show him my hands, still all covered in that paint. Father examines them.

"And you're gonna get daddy's belt all dirty, that's excellent."

After that, he punished me in a way he almost always did. He took his belt and he whipped my hands a few times with it. I screamed and cried but it only made it worse. I learned that the hard way. When I got older, I stopped screaming and fighting and father got bored more easily.

"Michael!" I heard my mum's voice.

"Look what that spoiled brat did!" My father shouted and he whipped my hands once more.

"Let him be, please. It's his room. As long as he's painting in his room, I'm fine with it. And look, it's quite nice."

I thought she was my guardian angel back then because if she hadn't come, my hands would be in much worse shape than they actually were.

The scars on my hands healed in a couple of weeks, much faster than the scars on my heart. My father never found out, but my mom bought me a set of watercolours a few days later to make my pain go away. I was allowed to use them only when my father wasn't home, but it was still worth it. I loved those paints.

My first mural stayed on that wall and as time went, I painted others, better ones. All of them after Ted's death. I needed a distraction, and nothing was better than painting. I love playing with colours, smashing the paint onto the canvas without thinking... It even filled my needs which weren't filled in another way. It also gave me a feeling that I'm safe, even when the rest of my house was a battlefield.

When it was time to choose a school, I decided to study art history, my father was so mad. That's one of the reasons I was glad for dating Alicia. Father was happy and I could study art in peace. I didn't have to listen to his stupid crap no more.

"C'mon Emmett. Do you really want to study a subject like art?" he asked in a friendly tone at first.

"Yes, I have decided... My mum said I can."

"Mum... MUM. But I'm the one who has to pay for it, right? Emmett, art school is full of stupid homosexuals."

Ok, dad. So, what if I'm one of them, huh? What if I am the one thing you hate so much? All your life you try to fight against gay rights, and you don't even notice there may be one in your own damn house. You're a clown dad, stupid, hilarious clown.

"Are you suggesting that I'm a...?" I start to defend myself.

"NO! Oh god, no, I would never allow my only son to become gay."

As if it was your choice. Daddy.

Luckily, my mom comes and finally makes the decision.

"Come on, Michael, be sensible. We both know he's not a very good student. He'll never be a doctor or something like that. But this boy... this boy can paint better than everyone I know. This is his chance to really become someone great."

"Fine. But if you bring home any bad grades, you're going to the police academy," he says.

A that was it. It was probably one of the happiest days of my life. I had to sit through some stupid things my father said but, in the end, the only thing that matters is that I could study art history just as I wanted.

That night I decided to paint the last blank space on my wall. My thing is usually abstract art but that night... that night I decided to create something more real than ever. I decided to paint a forest with the sun glowing through the trees. But the most important aspect was a fading rainbow on the sky. It never clicked to my father. One possible explanation would be that he doesn't care for my art at all and the other one is that he's just a dumb idiot.

But to clear this up, I thought I was bisexual back then. I liked boys, but sometimes there was some girl that caught my eye. So, I said to myself that it was okay. I could still find myself a wife and nobody will ever know that I'm not straight.

My plan was good, but it blew up in my face the first time I slept with Alicia. I'm somehow able to get things done in the bed but it doesn't give me the pleasure like it's supposed to. It doesn't please me like the sleepovers with Travis.

And... we're back to my sad reality. Back to the dilemma. Should I choose Alicia and have a happy father or choose Travis and make my father super mad?

When Travis took me home for the first time, I didn't really know what to expect. I knew how gay sex works... kinda. But I've never tried it so I hoped it would be terrible and I would find out that hetero sex is better. I don't know if Travis knew he was my first, but he was a gentleman. It hurt a little but, in the end, the thing that really made me nervous was that I loved it. I loved the connection, I loved how I felt...

When I got home the next day, I started working on a new painting, about which Alicia recently said that it was her personal favourite. If she knew it's supposed to portray the beauty of a connection between two males, she would probably be surprised. There's magic in art. I have the power to use the spell which hides emotions in my painting and only those who have the key can see them. It's extraordinary.