You knew I was trouble since we first met, didn't you ? You were right .
I am a waste .I suppose someone should recycle me and do something better because I'm not going to do so nor now nor ever.
They say the ultimate goal in our life is to find ourself well guess what?!
I found myself man,we re sitting here ,both confused ,wondering what to do.Now what?
People may say I am depressed ,lonely blablas,but here is the thing : I am not. Im not having a medical issue,I'm not depressed of anything you could think off ,I'm just sick . Sure,sick of what you might wonder? Sick of life,sick of living.I put myself to sleep every night just wishing I will never wake up again and when I wake up in the morning I'm just disappointed.Oh man, here I am,still alive,another day to carry on with,nothing changes.I still have to be a try harder ,can't give up , can't break down. Its just like em says "Im supposed to be the soldier who never blows his composure."
Now why would I wanna die? I mean seriously I'm pretty young ,I have the whole life in front of me. Am I that poor? Nah,not really. Am I in such a bad situation? I don't think so.I'm actually pretty good at socializing,at school also people often tell me that Im smart.
So then,why in the earth would I wanna die? To be honest I don't know that either.
It feels like a huge desire to leave this body behind and along with it the whole human experience and embrace the next step.Problem is I'm not really sure what comes after death nor if there is anything at all beside this mortal biological world we re living in.Tho somehow I have this feeling that I would rather find peace out there among the unknow things that awaits around the corner.Im also pretty sure this is not all and that there is something greater than our life as humans.Ask me why?I couldn't tell.
I know it all can be a little shocking for you by now and you might pictured me like a weird sad lonely ruined guy with those crazy thoughts but I'm not.In fact if you want to know I am a really stable guy with some brain up there,had a pretty happy childhood, my grades were all quite high,I had lots of friends, I was going out doing stupid things that kids do,I felt in love a few times,kissed a few girls,partied once in a while,you know like most of you I did pretty much everything I could and Im still smiling,getting A's ,having friends,looking all nice and so but that's all because I can't risk of getting myself rejected by the society and be seen as a freak.People often misunderstand a lots of things,they are all judging so fast and so wrong. Tho there are a few people that are not like that so while you are reading this you might realize that if your surroundings people don't understand you and you rather fake it than telling any of them,you are not alone.
Anyway I think I got a bit distracted but whatever Im not writing for grammys nor Oscars its all just so whatever that Im not even sure if someone else will ever read this.lets get back to where I was...
I did the math. So far I have lived 6,565 days since I was born including today yet I can't remember my whole life and that sucks.I also did nothing that interesting in those 6,565,days,I didn't learned so much about the life itself nor the reason we're all here on this small planet fighting each other for resources and acting so independent while and thats funny , while belonging to a single race,the human kind .Its weird considering how much time passed but I'm also trapped in this dumb society that obligates me to follow certain steps and develop in a certain way,it killed my dreams,it cutted my wings and drain my mind, its like we meant to be all the same .There is also a routine they wish us to stick on : work eat sleep without doubting anything and take it over and over and over and over, my opinion on this ? Loosers.Considering that I don't know how much longer I'll be around I thought why not write down a few things.I mean its not like anybody can accuse me of anything I'm just scrabbling through my thoughts.
People are used to have different hopes,now ain't they? My only hope is that someday when I'm long gone they will figurate out something to make this human experience we've been given worth living.The whole concept about human race and being human and what living supposed to mean it feels so wrong to me that Im not even trying to point out an alternative.
I think its enough for today,further more ,sitting and watching the sky for a while seems legit so I 'll keep "bulling" around soon.
