Just A Knock Away

02: A BIG HEART

SALEM

"In your perfect state of life, what are you doing?"

I sighed, glancing at Ingrid as she rested her hands behind her head. She was gazing upward, her eyes transfixed on the puffy white clouds as they glided across the clear blue sky. As much as I loved to be with her, in any way, she currently wasn't looking at me. I was big on conversational engagement, so usually I'd get bothered by lack of eye contact. Especially her, because she has the most gorgeous green eyes. But Ingrid didn't have to look at me for me to know that she was talking to me. I could hear it in the dictation of her voice, see it in the formation of her smile. Our connection strengthened itself on its own.

"You've asked me this question before." I reminded her as I turned my gaze back to the sky, to the clouds and the soft wind across my cheeks.

Ingrid chuckled, "I want to make sure that you don't forget. Tell me again, I love hearing you say it."

As much as I tried to fight back a smile, I couldn't. Ingrid was and always would be a happiness magnet for me. "I want to be in New York writing for The New Yorker. I want a brownstone somewhere in Brooklyn. And . . . I want to be fulfilled." I turned to her, to catch her already watching me. The soft sunlight peaking through the clouds made her freckles look like stars were dancing across the bridge of her nose. "You?"

Ingrid turned on her side, "Wherever you are and as long as I'm with you I'll be happy."

For a moment, I froze. I watched the electricity in Ingrid's dark eyes sparkle, the wind picking up strands of her hair. She became distracted by them and our gaze broke, but a small section of my heart vowed not to forget this moment. "But I really want to get into social work. You know, saving people." She laid back down, back to gazing at the clouds, back to letting her freckles dance. "There's just so much shit that goes on in the world and no one does anything about it. I want to do something about it."

"A super hero of sorts," I chided, smiling proudly as she jokingly rolled her eyes. "I can see it. The cape, the tight suit, the ego—"

"Ego?" Ingrid laughed, swatting my arm. "I don't have an ego."

"That's exactly what an egotistical person would say. You can never accept the blame!"

"I'm not egotistical, I'm a gemini." She corrected me, smiling playfully and sitting straight up in the grass. "But seriously Salem, imagine us together in the city. The city."

I sat up too, pushing back my loose curls, "Or any city. Chicago, Seattle, D.C. I could definitely see us in D.C."

Ingrid leaned forward so that her hair swayed in front of her small shoulders, and that our faces were about one foot apart from each other. As her mouth widened into a smile, I mimicked her. "Any city, any place. I just want to be with you."

♦

Every day proved to be harder than the last. The movie was more vivid, more painful to watch, and I was never sure how much of it I could handle.

Not a lot got me out of bed. If it didn't involve my immediate survival, my sheets were where I remained. I had gotten up around 10am or so to eat breakfast - cereal with no milk - and had slipped back into bed to presume my daily wall staring until I either needed to eat again or pee. It was always silent, always boring. That was one of the things I missed the most about her - her ability to never bore me. She was always going off on a tangent about something, sometimes I even thought it was pointless. But now I realized that I'd taken all of those conversations for granted, and that the electricity that was Ingrid Anderson was what I needed to be reminded what it was like to truly live.