Can You Hear the Stars Calling?

Changes

It became hard to fight the drooping of my eyelids. As Sam opened the hospital room door and stepped into an impossibly bright light, I lost.

Darkness took me.

***
Calm.

When was the last time I really felt calm?

When was the last time I felt happy?

Rush. My life was such a rush. Moving from North Dakota to New York was never something I anticipated. Or wanted.

It would have been alright if we had moved to rural New York. That's what my mom and I were used to. No big city lights or endless apartment buildings. But it was easier for my mom to try to find a job in the city.

Or at least, that's what she said. I think what she really wanted was to get rid of her country persona. To become someone unrecognizable. Get rid of any of the things that reminded her of her old life. Or of my father.

Thinking of him made me seethe. Made my blood boil and hands tingle in longing to hit something. But I'd kept my temper simmered. Kept everything hidden inside.

Well, moving worked. Going from a large country house on open farmland to a small painter's studio in the city changed everything. Although, at first, it didn't work very well and the move strained my relationship with mom.

After the first couple of months cooped up in the apartment for summer break, school started.

Going from a high school class of 75 to 400 took a lot of adjustment. Not knowing a single person made everything all the worse. It was alright in the beginning. Just focusing on school work to power through the year.

That quickly failed. I tended to finish work quickly only to sit around the apartment alone.

My mom did find a job like she thought she would. As a Subway Operator . She had to call in a favor from a friend. But she requested longer hours to pay the bills so she tended to be gone most of the day. Not only that, but she also went back to school to get a degree in education. I was so proud of her, but couldn't help feeling...alone. 

Always alone. With my thoughts. With my anger. 

Before moving here, it was just the two of us in this great big house on our own land. And even before that, we had my father around. After he left, she sometimes worked at a local farmers market to help out, but we mostly lived off of my father's child support.

However, she quickly realized that we couldn't live off of that alone, especially in a house. Over the weeks, she sank more and more into herself, losing that bubbling spark at her core. Hardly speaking a word and hardly eating. The only time I really saw her was when she was going to and coming from work. That's when I really learned how to take care of myself. Soon after, she decided we would move.

I'd never had a worse fight with my mom than in that moment. My emotions ran rampant and I screamed at her for leaving behind everything we knew. The house I grew up in. The house she built. I blamed her for the mess our family had become.

Regret is a powerful emotion. Some say happiness is the most powerful of all, or sadness, but regret strikes you and leaves you cold from the inside out. Regret is what leaves you awake at night with insults that cant be unsaid. Words that can never be taken back.

There was never a look so hurt or betrayed than when my mom looked at me in that moment.

No matter how many times I've apologized, she still has that hurt in her eyes even if she tried to cover it up. My words hit her in a place that will never heal. I don't think she'll ever stop blaming herself. I'll never be able to make up for what I said. 

Moving to the city was as smooth as it could be. Most of our personal items fit in her minivan and the rest of the larger things followed us in a moving van. When we arrived at the apartment, we packed all of our stuff into the little space we had and made do.

Furniture touching and clogging up the space became my new norm. Bright lights and crumbling buildings became my new view. Sirens and screeching tires was my new birdsong.

Getting lost was easy in this city. I'd never used public transportation in my life, so most of the time I preferred to walk.

School started at 8:00 so that gave me plenty of time to find a route that suited me. Or, that's what I thought I would do. I could never seem to get directions right. My phone became my best friend. Instead of real people, I clung to its automated voice.

Eventually though, I did find my way. One day shuffling to my next class, I saw a poster for auditions for Alice In Wonderland and decided to take my chance. It beat sticking inside all day to do nothing but knit.

Miraculously, I got the part of Cheshire Cat. Rehearsals introduced me to so many new people, but I still wasn't...happy. I'd been alone for so long that I forgot how to smile. How to really smile. I laughed when they laughed, but it wasn't the same. It never felt right.

Part of me felt gone. Left behind in my old life.

That night, when those men attacked that woman. All of the rage I'd been keeping at bay rose up within me. All of the feelings I thought I lost bubbled to the surface and came out as a raging fury. I was almost giddy with emotions. Just being happy to have them no matter how scared I was. I needed to feel.  

But then it all went wrong. It nearly got me killed. 

I saw nothing but darkness. The man in my hospital room. Reaching a hand toward me. To grab me. Take me. Stop it. Stop it! Stop it! 

"Wake up." A voice whispered.

My eyes opened, banishing the darkness.