My Life As a T1D

Chapter 11: Anxiety and Stress

A/N: This chapter is going to be a little bit different than the rest. It is going to touch on some sensitive topics about mental and emotional stuff that comes with diabetes. You have been warned if you don't like reading about these kinds of things. Also, take into account that this is my opinion and my thoughts. Not everybody thinks and feels the same about this disease. I also have never written something so personal to me so I am sorry if this chapter is bad.

A/N: I have been requested to talk about this for a while and I have been delaying it a bit because I'm not sure where to put it in the autobiography since it is something that keeps on going on and it won't stop. But I finally decided to write this. Without much further ado here I go.

    I think a lot of the mental and emotional stress that I have in regard to my T1D is caused by the way I was diagnosed. I've heard stories from other type 1 diabetics and how they were diagnosed. I have noticed a few big differences even though none of them is my fault. Lots of diabetics have good experiences in the hospital and remember their nurses and doctors well. They knew about technology like CGMs and pumps when they were diagnosed. They received training with books, contacts, and maybe other supplies. They were helped through the transition. I however have none of these things. I do have good memories of when I was hospitalized but not because of the people at the hospital but because of the people outside. As I might have mentioned before, I got letters and toys to entertain me from family and friends. But I don't remember a nurse being nice to me or giving me jello or anybody for that fact to tell me that everything was going to be alright. I don't remember a single person telling me that, not even my parents. They might have told me but I don't remember. I remember being confused and terrified and I never really got reassurance as to what we were doing. I also knew nothing about the technology with diabetes. I know that some people diagnosed before 2000 didn't have the technology that exists today because it wasn't invented which makes total sense. I, however, was diagnosed in 2011 and I still have some of the same experiences as people who were diagnosed before which isn't right.

One of the main fears that I have is that I will develop complications when I get older.  These complications may include kidney failure, heart disease, blindness, loss of limbs, and some other things on the internet. I didn't handle my diabetes well for the first 4-5 years of having it. My doctor never told us about carb counting and the importance of insulin and watching what I ate. He simply told us to "wing" it and put insulin at main meals (the same amount every time) and if I had more food just add more insulin. Another thing that I didn't have was technology. I researched when the first pumps and CGMs came out, they were already coming out in the market during this time and I never knew about it. I know now that it would have been incredibly life-changing if I had learned about it earlier. I recently listened to an episode of a podcast that I listen to when I run that talked about complications with diabetes. (The name of the podcast is, Juicebox Podcast, it talks about life with diabetes, and it is fascinating. I suggest that you listen to it if you're diabetic or just want to learn more about T1D) The person who was being interviewed was diagnosed in the late 1990s. When they were diagnosed the technology didn't exist. When he was about 27 years old he got complications that affected his vision: he had hemorrhages in both eyes and is legally blind. He didn't have the resources or information to take care of his diabetes. I am scared when I think that those first years when I was diagnosed that I was so clueless about handling this condition. I'm scared that it will affect me when I'm older like the gentleman who was being interviewed. Of course, everyone says "if you take care of yourself, you'll be fine". And I do try my best to take care of myself but those first years I rarely had my BG below 200. It went to 500 several times after diagnosis, which is dangerous. My A1C was extremelyk high, and my parents were anxious. I know that during that time my parents and I couldn't manage my diabetes properly, and that lasted a few years. It will always be in the back of my mind, whether I will get complications because of the lack of information during those 4-5 years. I hear all the time that I shouldn't be worried but I am. It's one of the things I'm most terrified of when it comes to diabetes. There aren't many things I'm scared of in the first place.

Another thing that some people don't realize is that diabetics lie. About more things than you think. When someone asks "does it hurt?" I say no, it's a lie. My friends have often said to me "well, you're used to it". I nod and say yes, it's a lie. The real answer is that it does hurt. It's a needle. Sometimes I have hesitated to inject or pinch my finger and at times my body will still cringe out of fear of it hurting. It is never going to not hurt. I just face that it's something that I have to do, like brushing my teeth. What used to be done when I was on injections and not pumping yet is I used to make a fist with the hand that wasn't holding the needle to deal with the pain, somehow it helped.

A/N: I have been feeling less motivated recently to write so I think I am going to change the format of this chapter. This chapter is going to be sort of like a diary and I will write about it when I feel stressed or when I feel like venting about something related to diabetes. I do want to continue since I have been asked before to talk about the mental side of t1d. If you guys have any suggestions on what I should write about please comment on it down below.

Feb 8, 2021

Today was a bit frustrating. So I have a break soon from school which I am very eager about. So basically today is a Monday and it started out pretty well. Then in English, we started working on an essay on a nonfiction article which I've never done ao I have to do that for homework. Then I had another class and then I had chemistry and I am learning some more advanced stuff because I am a full Ib student and I am doing HL chemistry and it was kind of hard and I don't fully understand. I also have a test on it on Wednesday so I have to understand it pretty quickly. So that stressed me out a bit. I had history after that and I had a quiz which was a bit hard since I took notes but I forgot to reread my notes before the quiz. Then there is my blood sugar. I was going up a bit at the beginning of school so I might have corrected too much and then I was low from 9 am to 11 am. It's pretty stressful because I can't concentrate at all and my brain is so foggy and I have so much work to do and I can't do it. I hate it when this happens especially when I have so much work to do. I also sometimes don't want to tell teachers about it because I feel like I shouldn't let diabetes control my life but then if I don't give it attention my blood sugars go crazy. I feel like when everybody looks at me they see a perfectly happy diabetic who seems like she has everything handled but sometimes I really don't. This is also because I am a perfectionist as I've mentioned before and I don't like the idea of me being flawed, even though I know I am. I wish people could see that I struggle a lot and that my struggles are hidden. I want people to be able to see my struggles but at the same time, I want to keep them hidden because I also hate being pitied. In the end, I will probably keep it to myself with exception of me writing it here. I also don't want to tell people about it because I know they can never understand. I'm fine now, though, I have biology last period and that is one of my favorite classes.