What Keeps You Awake At Night?

Two

"Darius! Darius!" I heard a familiar voice calling me over and over, quickly realizing it was my mom trying to shake me awake. "Darius, damnit. Wakeup!"

"I am up mom." I said bluntly, clearly annoyed that she woke me up earlier than I had anticipated.

"Honey, you were calling out something in your sleep. Are you okay? Is it happening again?" she asked me with concerned face, which made me even more annoyed. 

"Mom please just leave it alone." I said sitting up in bed, sweeping my hair out of my face.

"I can make a few calls, you can start going back to therapy, maybe talk to your old frie-" 

Before she could finish, I cut her off immediately.

"My old friends mom? Seriously? Please just let me be." I dismissed her immediately. 

She sighed in defeat and left my room, seeming somewhat disappointed and concerned. 

My mom and I have a very rocky relationship. There are past things that just never have been spoken about, its like it happened and now its forgotten, completely. Except it's the root of all my distress.

I shrugged off all the thoughts of our sad past and figured i'd save it for another time. I glanced at the clock realizing that it had been an hour before I had anticipated to wake up, I decided to get some breakfast before showering and getting ready for school. For some odd reason, I had been excited to go back to school. I was very surprised that Tiffany had came over and spoken to me.

As I walked down the stairs, excited for a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, I saw my mother sitting at the table eating also. I pinched the bridge of my nose, knowing she'd start again. I hurriedly tried to get my cereal and milk to leave.

"Darius, your father has been trying to contact me." she said ever so calmly but sighing at the end of her sentence. 

My body tensed immediately and I felt a bit of anger flush within me. "And so? We want nothing to do with him mom."

"He is your father honey. He should be able to see you." She said sternly trying to make a point, but I wasn't having it. 

"Are you ridiculous? Just because shit went down a couple years ago, all of a sudden your going to forgive him and forget like nothing ever happened? You've got to be fucking kidding me!" I blasted out, instantly feeling guilty for cursing at my mother.

"Darius! Who are you talking to like that?" She looked at me as if she was going to beat my ass. I decided to just leave the whole situation alone.

"I am not seeing him and he is never seeing us again. That's it mom." With that being said, I scurried off with my bowl of cereal and headed to my bedroom. 

I felt unsteady. My mom really had been considering my dad seeing us? It was a bizarre thought in my mind. I hadn't seen him since I was about 13 years old, not since the horrendous night had occurred. He is the reason that all of this shit happens to me. Why I ended up in therapy in the first place, why my life will never be the same, why my mother wouldn't either. I couldn't imagine seeing him now. The thought of it made my blood boil.

"Fuck that." I mumbled under my breath and cringed at the thought. 

Many hours had passed and here I was eating my lunch at school. Trying to review some work for upcoming classes.

"Long time, no see stranger." She actually came back to sit with me here. "Hey Darius."

I gave her a friendly wave and looked down at my books again, eating an apple.

"Soooo, I really need a favor." she looked at me, smiling hopefully. "I really need a study partner in history class. Ive always been shit at history so, I think that having a study partner would make things a bit easier. What do you say?"

I stared at her for a moment, really contemplating the decision of being her study partner. 

"Uh sure thing, I guess." I agreed and focused my attention back at my books, not really reading it. 

"Are you sure you are okay with that? Will your girlfriend be cool with it?" She raised one eyebrow at me, looking at me questionably.

My head shot up immediately. "What makes you think I have a girlfriend? I don't have one."

"I don't know. You're a good looking guy. Just assumed you did. Kinda surprised that you don't." She sat back in her seat. "What are you afraid to fall in love or something?"

Her question confused me at first. Why was she asking me such a personal question about my life? Ive only known her for two days.

"Im afraid of being the only one who falls. While the other one.. Pretends." I said truthfully with a tight lipped smile. 

She nodded, satisfied with my answer, seeming as she understood the emotion behind what I meant. She looked away for a moment and I wasn't able to read any emotion on her face. 

She looked up again and pulled out a piece of paper and wrote her phone number on it. 

"Here is my number, just text me so I have yours and we can set up times and dates to study. Cool?"

"Sure thing." I said taking the paper from her. She headed out of the cafeteria without saying goodbye and before the bell could ring. 

I hope I hadn't scared her off with my response to what she had asked. Maybe it was too much of a deep answer? But it was the truth. I hadn't had any real relationships but the only relationship that I had witnessed was my parents and if that is what love is like, then I wanted no part in it. I truly believed that my dad did not love my mom nor did he have any remorse for all the terrible things he had done to her. All he did was pretend to get what he wanted out of her. Its a fucked up story.

I let out a heavy sigh and began to overthink the whole situation about my family.