To the person who hurt me most,
We were young, kids. Barely old enough to know what we were doing, but knew enough to try and make it work. You were the first one I had, that first bloom of young love. Or so I thought. We were friends, or so I thought. You wouldn't hurt me...you get the gist.
Friends before, dating during, strangers after. Our relationship lasted barely long enough to say I love you, but we did. I thought I did love you, but I was merely being used. You lied, manipulated....molded me into the person you wanted by your side. And I let you.
I let you walk over me so you wouldn't get angry. I let you talk over me so you could have your voice heard. I withdrew so far into myself that I wasn't sure where I ended and the walls began. I became a shell of myself, but still put on that happy front so you wouldn't notice. Though, I wonder sometimes if you would have even cared...
Eventually, something broke through the walls, something got through to my mind that this was not right. I needed to escape, and so I did. I moved away from your side, to be my own person, but I did not realize that the chains binding me to you were still there. Breaking free was not easy.
You lied again, you manipulated those around you and I. You did everything in your power to break me down, to keep me down, to keep me quiet and complacent. And I let you. I kept my mouth shut, I looked away, I didn't stand up for myself. You had such a hold on my life that it was like I wasn't there anymore. I was just going through the motions, pretending for the sake of others.
You never stopped trying to hurt me, and in fact found every opportunity to do so, even after you were removed from the situation. I lived in fear of the time I would see you again, fear of what you would say or do to break me down even more.
At a very low point in my life, I considered taking the final step. I never could, because something in the back of my mind was insisting that things could always get better. So I tried my best to move forward. I tried to put the past behind me, put you behind me.
It didn't really work, you know. The hold you had on my life lasted for a long while, and still to this day exists in my mind. I had walls surrounding me, doors locked at every turn. A made up excuses for every inquiry, every probe was turned away with sarcasm or deflection. I never let anyone get through the walls again.
Then....I met someone who broke through completely. Someone who saw through the facade I had up, and knew how to extract the real me. Someone who helped me to grow stronger, to know that I am loved. Someone who, to this day is the person on this earth that I love the most, showed me that who I am is not that closed off, scared boy.
I am strong, but I have weak moments. I am brave, but do get afraid. I have been broken, shattered beyond what I ever thought was capable of repair, but piece by piece, I'm rebuilding. I'm by no means perfect, and I never will be. I may never be fully free of the demons of my past, but damned if I don't try and exorcise them. It's been a long, dark road to get to where I am now. But I look back on who I used to be, and wonder what on earth took me so long to get up and move past the darkness.
To the person who hurt me the most,
I guess what I'm trying to say to you is....
Fuck what you did, and who you are. But fuck me if I let you rule my life for one more goddamn second.
Sincerely,
The Boy who's taking his life back.
