In The Eyes of my Heart

I felt it too

As a child, I had always been told that I was emotionally blind. I couldn't understand or feel others, I was numb to sensing any emotion that wasn't mine, so they would say. It was never true. This heart of mine feels all, though this body does not show it. I've wondered if it was a gift or a curse, either way would leave me in pain somehow.

Sometimes, there are people who present themselves with joy, while their sadness also makes its own presence. Heavy, undealt with, longing for release sadness. Everytime that presence makes its way slowly up my skin, as if it was stitching itself onto me, and then enters at the door of my chest towards my heart. Maybe the stitches are what cause me to portray no emotion to the outerworld, maybe this vessel just has a resting bitch face. And no matter the reason, I am not blind to emotion, rather I am just... reserved of it.

Unsure of how to waste this particularly long summer day, I headed to the market in hopes of finding luxury in the slightest thing. The one thing I learned how to do over the years was to block out a stranger's deep emotions. I was too sensitive before, causing any wandering feeling to attract itself to me. I couldn't take it, it was overwhelming and destroying my own being.

As I walked up and down the aisles, skimming through the commons for odd ones out, i noticed a girl on the other side of aisle 11. She was staring directly at nothing, completely still. Though strange, I didn't want to be one to judge. I slowly kept on with my skimming, erasing the girl out of my head. As I began to pass by her, she spoke.

"Hello? Sorry if I'm interrupting you, but do you know what aisle the tea is in?" Her voice was.. soft, and kind. Us being the only two in  the aisle, I knew it was me she was speaking to.

"It's actually further up this aisle." I tried to speak in the kindest way as well, she seemed fragile.

"Oh, I must have missed it! Thank you." And then I knew. Her feelings of embarrassment and confusion made their way to my chest. Yet, I blocked the door.

"Would you like me to walk you there? You can hold onto my arm if you want." I could see her mouth open slightly, like she was in shock, but it quickly turned into gratefulness.

"You noticed, huh? And yes, it's very sweet of you." I chuckled lightly and replied with a yes. Her face slowly began to blush. I focused it on being the embarrassment, though it was never anything to be embarrassed about. Then, she held onto me.

A rush ran through my body. So powerful to the point where it broke open the block door, head on chasing for my heart. It wasn't what i was used to. It wasn't pain or sadness or anger, it was deeper, yet lighter. It was actual joy mixed with love. Love. The only feeling I could never really get. No one in my life ever sent their emotion of love towards me, and in the seventeen years of my life, today had been the first time.

My arm flinched, and I quickly got my arm out of the girl's. She turned her head right towards me. As if she was reading everything about me. It was all too new, too strange. Had she been the odd one out I came in search for?

"I'm so sorry! I don't really know what that was! Here.." I gently placed my arm on her hand. She was hesitant for a few moments, yet held on again. I felt it again, the joy and the love. It was more subtle this time, but it was still there. I couldn't help but to smile all while feeling confused. We walked down the aisle at a pace I made sure she could take. It only took about a minute or so to reach the other end of the aisle.

"Here we are." I said brightly.

"Could you help me find the chamomile?" She quietly asked.

There were about a dozen different brands and types of chamomile, though I sensed she'd like the kind with the bear on the cover.

I softly grabbed her hand, placing the tea box in it. Her hand was shaking, but still warm. I got a bit self-conscious over the coldness my hands must have placed onto hers.

"I got you this one. It has cute little sleepy bears on it. It looks tasty too."

"Ahh. That's actually the one I wanted! It means a lot thank you. Also.." She switched the box to her other hand, then went in search to mine. Softly touching it again. I felt weird. There was her joy in me, but her loving energy got stronger, though somehow still remaining in a peaceful manner. ".. your hand, is quite cold. Strange to say, but it's nice." She previously smiled.

I couldn't move. There was fluttering inside me, strong yet wonderful fluttering. What is this? What does it mean? And my heart... its pace has risen, all from this stranger. She let go of my hand, whispering her apologies.

We made our way to the check out aisle and then to the front of the market. She told me her sibling was supposed to pick her up in a few minutes, so I waited with her. I got to know more about this lovely stranger.

Her name was Laila, and she was just as sweet as her name pictured her to be. I told her that I was Lilith. The more she told me about her, and her story, the more fluttering went on in my heart. It was only about 15 minutes that we spoke, but nothing could have been more magical.

"Laila!" It was her brother shouting from a few feet away.

"Ahh. I've got to go, he'll walk over here any minute now. It was so nice to meet you and thank you again for everything!"

"It was nothing. I also loved meeting you too!" Had I really said the word love out loud? It was so rare to do so.

"Actually um..." She leaned in towards my ear, grabbing my hands and whispering "I felt it too. The entire time, and when we first touched. I felt it." She leaned out and let go, but I could have sworn her eyes looked right into mine. I could have sworn she saw me. She smiled then got up, just in time for her brother to reach to her side. "Bye" she mouthed with a smile. An forgettable, heart-stopping smile. Her words have never left my mind, nor my heart.

I finally realized why I had been called emotionally blind. Though I was sensitive to many emotions, there was one I completely blocked out. Love. Yet, after meeting Laila, I've decided to open my heart more and not be afraid of what I feel. I finally learned to see through the eyes of my heart.