It's shocking how a single occurrence can alter one's perception of the deed. I used to think, dream, fantasise and yearn for sex, how my first experience would be like but that's all a distant memory now. The thought of it makes me cringe, it would be great if no one brought it up. Bondage porno would be the best definition of what happened, not necessarily the pleasure received but the amount of shaming and degradation of the recipient. The objectification, taking it all because you signed up for it. Reminiscent thoughts and feelings are the worst at night, almost like reliving the night everytime I'm on my own.
I know it wasn't forced, I gave consent right? I agreed. I gave permission to my body. What beats me is why I feel this way, why do I feel like I was violated? Why do I feel like I was used, pressured and objectified?
She kissed me, I kissed back, she drove her hands all over my body. From my boobs to my thighs and buttocks and not once did I ask her to stop. We went on to the bedroom, she got on top of me, pulled down my undergarments, I took her bra off. She asked if I was comfortable, I said yes. We were already this far, why would we stop? I didn't want to disappoint her, I know how she can get when she doesn't get what she wants. I didn't want to ruin the amazing weekend we had planned because of "how I felt". Love is sacrificial and this one can't be that bad, she loves me right? I know I adore her, so what's the issue? Clit to clit, motion commenced. Moaning in my ear, she was enjoying herself and there I was overthinking and feeling like an object of pleasure and nothing more. Uncomfortable position, I was in pain. I asked her to stop but that could not happen before she came. I kept grinding, handling the pain like a woman until she was pleased and jubilant. The thought is stuck in my head, eating every fibre that held intimacy high on a pedistal. I cringe.
I'm filled with confusion and a lot of emotions telling me that I was done wrong. The strange thing is, I know I wasn't done wrong because I gave consent, I agreed, I gave the go ahead but the feeling won't shake. This can't be normal.
