"You don't love me."
"Yes of course I do. " He reassured, gently running his fingers through a lock of my hair.
"Why do you even bother?" I insisted again.
"Kira, stop overthinking this and get ready. We're going out for dinner." He answered gently again. I asked these same questions to him four-five times every day and he reassured me in the same gentle tone each time.
I felt bad for annoying him like this but I had genuinely been so confused lately. It was hard for me to believe that the one I fell in love with loved me back. Stuff like that only happened in stories. Moreover, I had still not stopped coughing up petals even though the intensity had receded a bit.
"It takes time to get cured of a serious illness like this. " He had explained to me. Yet the doubt in my mind refused to go away. Everything happened so quickly it seemed impossible.
He placed his hand on top of mine from across the table breaking my state of pensiveness. I looked up and found him smiling at me. It took me back to the time when I had first seen him smile in his office. I had always wanted to know what it was like to be at the receiving end of that caring, genuine smile but now that it was happening I had a hard time believing it was genuine and not out of pity for a dying woman.
"You're doing it again. Stop worrying so much. Just trust me. " He spoke these words so effortlessly that for a moment I felt convinced, and happy and free, but not long before the sense of doubt creeped up again.
I still worked as his secretary. I had no reason to leave especially since my art career was taking its sweet time to jump back from the depths of failure.
I still carried his files to him the same way as before. Knock on the door, wait for his reply, walk in. Except now when I walked in I wasn't met with cold indifference, there was a welcoming warmth for me in the atmosphere. I was wanted there more than ever before. Or at least he made an effort to make it seem so.
I flopped the files down on his desk. Before I could say anything, a coughing fit took over my voice. He immediately looked up at me in worry and offered his handkerchief. I took it and returned to my place. I hid it away in my desk drawer discreetly. No one knew about the events that had transpired between us or what relationship we shared now other than boss- employee.
"It's nobody's business." He had confidently declared when the topic had arisen.
At night, when I stayed up in front of my computer desperately trying to draw something properly, the feeling of doubt strengthened and engulfed me entirely. It was all I could think of when he wasn't there to disprove them and reassure me.
What if he never finds anything in me that can make him fall in love. Will it be too late by then to do anything? Will I die? I was stuck in a limbo and I couldn't figure what to do. He always told me he loved me but how come I found it so hard to believe?
When he had swiftly decided that evening in his office that he wanted to get to know me, for a moment I had thought this was the end of my suffering. The coughing had subsided for a while after that, although never cured. Lately, I felt it growing again. The frequency of these coughing fits and the number of petals seemed to have increased again.
"Why are you doing this? Just let me go. What does it matter?" I said dejectedly.
"It's not true. " He kissed me, "You do matter to me." He kissed me again as if the second time would do the charm and I'd be convinced.
It wasn't all in vain though. I realised something in that moment. He really wants to save me; it's just that he's failing. He doesn't want to admit it but I can tell so easily. After all it's impossible to fall in love on a deadline.
