vent book

I dont know if what happened was real..

I fucking cried myself to sleep last night, because I can't tell if my mum actually emotionally abused me, I can't tell if all the times she slammed the door shut whole I was bawling my eyes out were just my mind playing tricks on me. I was very young when all of these events happened yet I can remember them as clear as day. Like I'm reliving them. All the times I screamed for her to come back as she slammed the door shut as my dad held me back and told me, "Mommy is going to come back" I never believed him. I was always terrified that my mum would leave and never come back.

She has guilt tripped me into believing she was the victim and I was the one doing something wrong. She made me feel like my depression and anxiety weren't real, that they were just in my head. She always used to ask me "what do you have to be sad about?" And she'd say I could talk to her about anything, and then when I would she just, yelled me. And then when I told her I felt worthless she told me that I was being ridiculous.

I BELIEVED HER. I WAS YOUNG WHEN ALL OF THIS HAPPENED, I WAS AROUND 4-7 YEARS OLD WHEN MOST OF THESE THINGS HAPPENED. She asked me 'what's wrong?' And I told her yet it always felt like didn't care. When she'd leave and come back the next morning, I always found her sleeping on the couch, she never talked about the nights before. She acted like none of those events ever happened.

Because of all the yelling and slamming of doors, I get anxious when I hear people raise their voices, because I'm TERRIFIED THAT I AM GOING TO RELIVE THOSE MOMENTS WHEN I WAS IN FEAR. I know some people have it worse. I am aware of that, I'm also aware of the fact that my mum is a survivor of abuse. She has CPTSD and I acknowledge that, and I expect her to acknowledge that my depression is real. That she can't stop my panic attacks by telling me to, 'calm down'

It's been nearly two years since I came out as Transgender and she still deadnames me, she still forgets that I am her SON, not her daughter. I give her respect yet she doesn't give it back. I'm sick of it, I'm sick of crying myself to sleep because of the fact that I don't know if what I went through was real.

If ANYONE needs to talk, please message me, because I know what it's like to feel scared wherever you go. I know what it's like to feel as if you are not good enough to live, but you ARE good enough....

Have a good day/night and happy Easter everyone