The Crown

April 13, 2020

When I look in the mirror what do I see?

Some days I see this beautiful, strong, daring, and empowering growing woman. But most days I feel ashamed. Ashamed of how I got to this point in my life. Society places so many expectations about how they want a woman, how she should be... how she should dress, what or what she doesn't do with her body..... It all can be quite overwhelming... Especially when you grew up with no guidance. Yes, people were there... but not the way you needed them to be. Those long talks about growing up... how it really is... expressing and dealing with emotions properly...

Days like this I feel so lost... I look at myself and feel emptiness... but who can I blame? I am now at an age where blaming my past will no longer be the issue. That healing comes from within.... In order to embrace the highest me... I must heal within.... It may be difficult, but I must not forget that God is with me. He walks with me, ordering my steps. I beat myself up so much for the lack, the lack that I allowed to happen... from staying with God... the beauty of him... he doesn't beat me up for this, for he too has been tempted before. He is forgiving, and he is the only one who judges. How great it is to have a friend in the Lord... I have been wanting to do more content... but I have just been feeling the need to strengthen my relationship with you at the moment.... Though you will qualify the unqualified because it's the will and not the skill... again it all falls back to society... their role... their judgments... that's why too much of this social interaction online ... is NOT well for the human race. I know who I am. The LORD knows who I am and the purity in my heart....

People come to me and chat yet... they mean no good to me. The more I realize, people rather just tell me more about themselves and strip me from all my knowledge... but when I try to express the same back with me.... There is nothing... are you not listening to me.... Selective hearing, I guess... these are the people that I fear.... Why only hear what you want to hear? You are not to be trusted, for you may not hear the communication that God may be sending to you... is that why you seek me? You see my light yet your relationship with the Father is weak.... I may lead you to the water, but I cannot force you to drink... The Lord's word is gentle like a lamb, not a roaring lion...

I am a giver; I have no problem giving and being vulnerable.

In those moments of my weaknesses are truly my biggest accomplishments... for those are the times that I call upon you Lord and seek guidance and wisdom. I read your word to get me through. You deliver me. For I seek you and you answer your seeking children. You are my superpower. 

Scripture: Psalms 22:24 "He does not ignore those in trouble, He doesn't hide from them but listens when they call out to him" (If you like give Psalm 22 a reading.... my application in my bible writes: "When was the last time you felt lonely? The next time you feel this way, look around.  Everyone else may have deserted you, but God remains at your side."