Skinny Fat

A Bowling Pin

First off, let me start of by saying I don't necessarily think there is such a thing as ugly. I would say there is only "unique" and "different", but "ugly"? Nope. Don't believe it exists. So how did we arrive to use such descriptions as ugly and beautiful?

There's a timeless saying that goes "Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder". But what we fail to realize is that the "beholder" is most of the time, colonized and influenced by the media. Taking a look back at England's history, during the time of "Big Whigs", plus size women were the ones that were considered attractive. Countless paintings were created in their honor. So in order for something, or someone, to be considered beautiful, there needs to be a general consensus agreed upon by a society.

I don't want to spend too much time on this, but I would consider myself vastly different from what is commercially considered as a beautiful man. See, I'm what you would call skinny fat. Which means that my body is shaped like a "bowling pin". The only thing that is disproportionate to my body is my belly. It makes me terribly insecure.

One of the biggest reasons why I don't like being skinny fat, is that I'm not fat, and I'm not skinny. I'm just "skinny fat". It's like I'm kind of stuck in a grey space. If I was fat then so be it. I'd play up my humor, get a couple tattoos, and maybe get my ears pierced. Or probably my nipples. If I was skinny, then I'd go with an "emo" look. Or more appropriately, "hipster". I'd rock flannel shirts, and top myself off with a pair of black rimmed glasses. Being skinny fat is like my weight had trouble trying to make a decision. Look buddy, it's either "Either" "Or!". But no. I'm left with both.

Sometimes I feel like I have some kind of deformity or something, and then I feel like a piece of shit because having those thoughts is essentially a slap in the face to people who actually have a deformity. Yes, this does come across as shallow, but that's why I love using the millennial catchphrase "First World Problems".

That catchphrase basically gives us privileged Americans to complain about the most trivial shit as if it'd be the end of the world if our internet service provider was loopy. But in all honesty, wherever you find a society with a large media influenced culture (which by now could be in almost any part of the world), your bound to come across a few body image issues.

So here's the million dollar question - Why not work it off? You know, get your ass to the gym, sweat it off, pump some iron and really make it burn? Because to me, exercising is fucking boring. The only time I'm flying on a treadmill (or more accurately, flailing), and lifting weights is when I want to impress somebody. Only when I got myself a little "crushy crush".

"Well, Pat. It seems to me you need a little Self - Development."

And trust me, I'm in to that shit too. Tony Robbins, Eckhart Tolle, Wayne Dyer, I find it awesome. But what I feel I lack is a combination of discipline and motivation. As an aspiring writer, I bought into the movies, particularly the "John Hughes" brand. And other 80s movies starring "John Cusack". All you gotta do is be an adorable loser, and if you want something bad enough, the universe will take notice and things will eventually go your way. You'll get the girl, beat the bad guy, and happily ever after!

I always wondered why in Woody Allen movies, he would always play a pessimist who had a bleak outlook on life, but his character dated the most beautiful women.

But not to fret dear reader (that is if you even care in the slightest way possible),

I've been taking baby steps to improving myself, but before I can accomplish that uphill task, I need to realize that I have value. We all do. I just need to find out what I can do that is OF VALUE. And, once I discover what that is, The sooner I can feel better about myself, take massive action, and realize what I have to offer. Because so far...

I have no idea what that is.