Dedicated to all my well wishers!
I will arise and go now, and go to Innisfree, and a small cabin build there,of clay and wattles made : Nine bean rows will i have there, a hive for the honey bee, and live alone in the bee - loud glad.
And i shall have some peace there, for peace comes dropping slow, Dropping from the veils of the morning to where the cricket sings, there midnight's all a glimmer, and noon a purple glow, and evening full of the linnet's wings.
I will arise and go now,for always night and day. I hear lake water lapping with low soundsby the shore; while i stand on the roadway, or on the pavements grey, i hear it in deep heart's core.
Yeats, i breathe. You can take this poem as an escapism and imagine yourself escaping from this place where you are constantly fighting with the nightmares coming all alive and hunting you down. "The lake isle of innisfree" only makes me want to fly away from here and settle down in a new city or a town to start everything new. Sighing, I keep the small sheet of paper aside and grab my cup of coffee to look outside my window. It's all grey and matches with my current state now, words echoes in back of my mind "You will pass through this", "You probably need to get some counsellor ", "What's wrong with you?", "Why?" I keep my coffee cup on the table and it makes a thud sound. The more i try to stop thinking about the things it just comes back and makes it way too heavy. I know its nothing new but i really wanted this thing to work for the last time but always proves me worthless. Mesa's words keep ringing back of my mind "You just haven't met the right person, stop being so weak." But the real question is Am i ready? For all this again??. No, the idea about being with someone and falling for the same thing that is turning me into something i once feared, i can't contribute myself again into this , i am not fit for this i am contagious and if people aren't ready to handle they probably shouldn't come any way closer to it, it gives hopes and expectations to the other person. Who still clings on to that on a very edgy situation and all you get is "sorry couldn't live upto your expectation". My only question is why do you play with fire when you know you are going to burn anyway. But i see hope to make my life better, i have made up my mind its the voices that keeps encouraging me to give up. But i don't want to give up, i just want to walk away from someone i love the most, the further you walk the least your heart burns. If you cannot have them you can atleast move away from them this is the power we all have. That wouldn't hurt me right?! I have my plans ready to go somewhere i can work on myself for the last time. I can make things easier for everyone and nobody can question my condition that has changed me into something i feared. I put one cigarette on my mouth and lit it. Opting dangerous thing somehow feels good these days where you got nobody for a company but anyways i am on my way to the better place where i have so much believe and i will soon be there.
