The Perfect Shade of Black

Beauty Scars

The blurry haze of light hit my eyes and almost stung. I cringed and rubbed my eyes as I heard a voice coming closer to the door. It opened revealing Michael, the previous hours then came flooding back and my heart grew cold yet again. Not from him but from despair and blinding anger of what my past holds. Now I must face the ugly truth and speak out about something I thought I could bury forever. But more over speak the truth about the little angel in my life.. My daughter. I sat up and fixed the blankets whilst motioning for him to sit with me I had a lot to explain and I'm sure he has questions. He then asked me " Are you ok". I could see the worry in his eyes but he didn't dare let his body show it. He sat down calmly and took my hand. I sighed dreading what I must do but I began.

"Now I know this is gonna sound strange but just bare with me I have to go back in time a bit so you understand the whole story".

"So let's start with me being little my dad was once in my life till I was four and my mom kicked him out. I didn't understand then but he lies a lot and could barely even hold a job he was doing nothing for us. Now let's jump ahead to when I turned 5 I was just the most cheerful little girl I was at school one day and in my class the teacher often chose helpers to take things to the office and being a child who loved helping I naturally offered but I had to take a partner to go through the big kid campus so I went with another classmate".

I stopped telling the story and stared him down with a glare. " why are you giggling?", I asked. His demeanor then changed. " whoa there tiger I'm laughing because I can imagine you cute self prancing across the school yard with that big smile. I'm sorry I interrupted though please continue I promise to be quiet" Michael replied.

I nodded and continued on with the story. " We made it to the office but on the way back I had to go potty very badly and little kids weren't allowed to use the big kid bathroom but I couldn't hold it. My classmate was worried to get caught and said she was returning to our side of school yard. So I went in alone and proceeded to use the bathroom but when I was done."

I paused again my breath became shallow and I could feel the tears building in my body and as I continued they fell one by one into my palms while I held my head down.

" I opened the door and this 5th grade girl was there and she watched me wash my hands and then grabbed me and shoved me around the side of the bathroom nobody could see and told me to shut up and if I told anyone what was about to happen she would kill me and my parents. She made me pull down my pants and touched me. When she was done I ran back to class and when I told my teacher I went potty she scolded me and I felt ashamed and I didn't tell her what happened. I kept it a secret for nine years. Thru all the mental abuse from my mother the fights my mother and sister had. I was the only balance in the family besides my granny and it was a lot of weight on my shoulders. When I got to high school freshman year we were having a discussion about stuff like what I went thru in class and I finally broke and told. The teacher kept me after and told me we have to tell your parents and so I went home and called granny because I didn't know how to tell my mom I was afraid my granny calmed me and when mom came home I told her. But she didn't react how I expected."

At that very moment I grew angry and the tears fell faster and I began to bury my face in my hands. Making Michael immediately react and grab me. He held me on the edge of the bed and slowly pulled me to his lap making me bury my face in his chest and rubbed my back to calm my broken soul. I was broken and torn but that wasn't even the worst of it. I caught my breathe and continued in his chest barely muttering words but I know I had to tell.

" She told me that I was stupid to share with my class and now they will think something is going on" she then stormed off and slammed her door. In that moment I had never felt more alone and ashamed of myself. I blamed myself for what happened. I cried in my room until dinner and from then on stopped telling my mom things because when I tried she would sigh or make me feel like once again it was my fault."

I caught my breath and looked into his eyes. They were so beautiful but dark and hollow. He was searching for something in me as much as I was in him. He then nodded for me to continue as if he knew there were more. I decided to skip ahead seeing as he got the idea to College two years back.

" Finally I got to college and met a guy in my English class we talked and hung out and eventually dated he made me feel so beautiful and sometimes I spend the night we even went to Disneyland on my 18th birthday. Then one day during testing I was exhausted and at the time I had moved in with my best friends. I was exhausted from school and wanted to nap he had been blowing my phone up all day arguing about why I needed to come over and I told him the girls mom didn't like that much and considering I don't pay anything to live there I agreed but he didn't get that. He sent paragraph after paragraph yelling. I felt a headache coming so I laid down for a nap that was until I awoke slightly shaking  and my friends screaming my name. I felt so out of it. And when I went to speak I couldn't my body physically didn't allow it. We went to the hospital that night and the doctors found out I had an acute anxiety attack due to stress from him of course."

I paused to look up at him again his face in a hard line I buried my face and continued again.

" My friends had asked if I wanted him there I agreed because why not. Although that was a horrible idea. He came down there and yelled at me cussed me out and my friends mom and my friends. I broke up with him the next day. He stalked me and sent messages until finally it's stopped. That was until 5 months later my period was late usually I'd miss month or two but this was three months off my friends joked often saying omg ur pregnant and dared me to take test. So I did but then it got real. 4 test and all said pregnant. But my tummy was flat as ever. I went to the doctor and found out my timing was wrong too. I was 5 months pregnant and what I thought was my period before was left over discharge."

He pulled me from his chest his eyes wider than ever. " Niara what happened to the baby did you-"

" I kept her", I said cutting him off.

"Her name is Skylar she is 1 and 4 months now. She is my world and the only reason I'm strong today. Her father did find out and took me to court so far I've won ever battle but this is my life. I been searching for the gaps my family couldn't fill I thought I found it in him but I was young and stupid. And until I had her I didn't know happiness but I know it now."

He sighed and stared at me I began to slowly get up. Knowing that ended it all and looked for my things. He stood up and walked to the door and opened it and looked back at me. I just knew he was gonna throw me out.

" Don't worry i just think we could both you a drink, stop getting your things your not going anywhere and neither am I now follow me", he replied as he grabbed my hand helped me out and down stairs.

" What'll you have Princess?", he asked.

" I'll have a margarita please", I replied with a sheepish grin. Still blushing from the nickname and the compassion he had after my wild emotional rollercoaster of a story that I just told him.

He settled for Jack Daniels and sat next to me on the stools.

"I'm sorry about all of this", I said.

" Niara you have nothing to be sorry about your an amazing woman and I'm positive your an even better mother. I can't wait to meet her someday and if I am being honest your past made you twice as strong and that princess is a blessing".