diary of my mental health

entry april 16, 2020 2am

So technically today starts the first day of my boy cleanse... i'm sad-ish. lately i've been feeling a little more fragile and sensitive than usual... and a little more codependent. But, i'm finally starting to realize it, so that's good right? i'm a pretty attractive girl, just with lots of issues no one really knows about.

You know? like childhood ones. that have lots to do with the unstable teen i am today. now this isn't talking down on myself, but realizing my problems. the sad truth. but also the happy truth. because it's made me the person i am today, and now i can learn and grow... and be wiser.

i hung out with a guy on Easter. A guy i liked a lot but we had never hung out until this Easter. It was a great time and i felt like i had met someone that understood me. I guess i got a little too invested without even realizing, because he decided he didn't wanna talk to me anymore the next day, and i was hurt. i wasn't sure what i did. all the signs pointed to "perfect match". i just don't know if i'm upset he did it, or if i'm just upset it happened again.

leaving a me without closure is like leaving me helpless.

even though you shouldn't need it.

i'm just fucking annoyed. it's so frustrating. i don't even know what to say. why couldn't i have been born into a proper family with parents who could raise their child right? and not disappoint them. and be there whenever you need them. to teach them how to realize their power.

instead i was ignored, lied to, unsupported, emotionally alone and unheard. lash's counted on myself to myself feel better. and don't get me wrong, it's a good thing to know how to do because people won't ALWAYS be there. but nobody told me no one would EVER be there...

so now i'm just a 19 year old girl. left with abandonment and trust issues. super anxiety and on and off depression. let's not forget ADHD lol. for a lil pizazz.

But i refuse to let those things define me. Because i am also sweet, caring, and i always put others before myself. i'm smart, i'm intuitive. i'm beautiful, i'm funny. just curious as to why it seems no one realizes how much of a catch i am. i feel like people notice my bad qualities more, or maybe i draw in the wrong guys. i wouldn't be surprised, i'm like a easy little sweet creature with a big heart, who is lost. any predator would take advantage... but even they not stick around. let alone having a good boyfriend i can't even keep a bad boyfriend. ugh idk whatever. idgaf.

i think it's unfair as fuck but i'm working on myself, it's fucking hard but i'll make it happen. i don't wanna live on earth if i can't be happy. i'd rather just drop dead right here this second. i want to be happy by myself. i don't want to put up with bs guys and ignore red flags because i'm blinded by my emotions attachment.

the little girl inside me is begging for that person to be there for her and comfort her. and love her and support her. but i'm not a helpless little girl anymore that needs someone to protect her. and that stage of my life is gone 🥺🥺🥺🥺... and unfortunately i couldn't have that. i'm an adult now, and now nobody is responsible for making me happy. or being there for me. i'm responsible on my own, like i've already always been and i have to let the past hurt go. or else i'll be attracting the same manipulative, toxic, emotionally unavailable guys. guys that don't hear me. like my parents never did.

i WILL wake up happier. and i'm gonna take my time getting over all the guys that have ever hurt me. and i'm gonna forgive my parents for hurting. and i'm gonna forgive myself for hurting myself.