diary of my mental health

entry april 17, 2020 9:53pm

it worked. i woke up feeling a lot better and clear headed. i guess i just have to keep speaking my healing into existence.

i smoked today and fell asleep which is always great. plus we are in quarantine right now because of the corona virus so there's nothing else to do. i'm still feel a little lonely, but better. i haven't thought about the boy i was recently talking to as much. i only checked his instagram once today😊😊😊😊😊.

my closest friend has a boo right now so it's not like i can just talk to them when i'm feeling lonely. i mean text yeah, but being on the phone is better 100%. my friend tempted me to download tinder today against so i did 😣😣. i hope it doesn't throw the whole "healing" thing off process.
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i talked to my mom today, she's okay. she was in a good mood, which it determined by whether or not she takes her bipolar depression meds. which she most of the time does not. she doesn't like feeling like she's crazy... or has to take medicine to be normal. but you have to think about what makes you feel happier. i don't judge i just want her to be happy. i want all of my siblings to not have to see toxic behavior and be happy also🥺. i hate thinking about my siblings. it makes me emotional because i want them to love me and to never be hurt about the things i was growing up. too late for my second oldest sister. she was right there by me during all of our suffering. we had each other though, we argued but we were happy that we atleast had each other. i wish i could've been a better bigger sister... i sometimes worry about what she thinks of me because i was more attentive to her than my mom was. so she looked at me as her role model. i miss her. she lives with her dad in new jersey. i live in pa. i want to see her but the environment sucks and her family is a little stingy. they act like they don't want us to see her. i love you Paris. i hope you know that in your heart. i'm going to make sure i come see you soon.