Shoot Me Down

Part 21

We sit by the river. Hanging our legs over the edge, drifting our feet in the water. It must be cold, but I barely feel it. Only a cool, tickling sensation. Sam’s running his fingertips over the top my hand, tracing the outline of my fingers. He flips my hand over and rubs his thumb in circles on my palm, and I make an appreciative “Mm” noise and lean my head against his shoulder. Allowing my eyes to droop shut, I breathe the fresh forest air in deeply, savoring the silence. When I open my eyes again, Sam is staring down at me, concern etched on his face.

            “The shadows are deeper.” He traces one finger along my jaw. “You’re still letting him change you.”

            “It won’t happen,” I murmur. “Not as long as I keep visiting you. You make me feel peaceful again.”

            “That can be permanent,” Sam says gently. He stares down at me, and the moonlight paints his features in silver and charcoal, making his face look both sharp and soft. He is both, to me. He’s like a rock, someone I can talk to about my fears. He’s sensitive and warm and loving. Again, I feel like I’m being torn in half.

            “I think Nakia might go to the police,” I say quietly, and Sam raises an eyebrow, waiting for me to continue. “She was talking about it today. She talks to me now, you know. She knows I’m there. I think she knows I only want to help her. She was telling me she wants to go tell the police what happened. I think…I hope, she’ll eventually work up the courage.”

            “Maybe she’ll do it eventually,” Sam says eagerly. “We can just cross over and not worry about it. You could go with me now.”

            I shake my head, feeling guilty when his face falls. “No, I can’t. I need to make sure that it’s happened. I can’t just cross over and wonder what I left behind. And if she does tell them I need to make sure she’s safe afterwards…” A thought strikes me. “Wait, can we see stuff from the other side? I always pictured people in heaven…sorta, well…looking down on people. On the world. I guess I expected everyone would be dancing around on clouds up there.” It sounds ridiculous as soon as I say it, and I feel my cheeks flush a little.

            Sam hesitates. “I actually don’t know what it’s like. I just know I’m supposed to cross over. Soon.”

            “How do you know?” I say curiously. “Did someone call you…like, God or something?”

            “No.” Sam frowns, shaking his head. “This will sound totally vague. It’s just…a calling. I can feel it in my gut all the time now. It’s only gotten stronger over the years. It’s persistent. That’s all I know. I don’t know anything about the other side.”

            “So if we went, right now…what would happen?” Hastily I add, “I mean, just out of curiosity. Do we have to go somewhere, walk a certain way? Say the magic words and click our heels together? How does it work?”

            Sam shrugs helplessly. “I just…would give in to the feeling I guess. I’ve been resisting it for years now. It wouldn’t be hard.”

            A terrible thought occurs. “Does it….hurt? Holding it back, I mean.”

            “No, it’s just…frustrating.”

            I fight with myself for a second before saying, “Why don’t you just go without me? I’ll meet you in whatever place we end up.” Sam is quiet for a minute, and my stomach plummets in fear. What if he says yes? It’s terribly selfish, but I don’t want him to leave me here. I don’t know anything about crossing over to the other side. Without him here there’s nothing to stop me from accidently tethering myself to Caleb, or something equally awful.