I was gonna post this on my board but it was to long, so I'm posting it here
A conversation I had irl...
Me: *jokingly* hey papa, if I saved up the money, would you take me to cut my hair?
Papa: NO!
Me: for real though, why do you not want me to cut my hair?
Papa: because I like your hair the way it is, it makes you look beautiful!
Me: but I cut it shorter, remember?
Papa: well, half beautiful, you were prettier when it was longer
Me: -_- but why can't I have it short!
Papa: because girls aren't supposed to have short hair!
Me: but- *gets a picture of him from when he was younger* you had long hair! And my brother!
Papa: boys can have long hair
Me: and girls can't have short hair!?!?
Papa: yep
Me:... *eye twitch*
xX_TerribleWriter_Xx this is more proof
(Rant time)
JUST BECAUSE I WAS BORN A GIRL DOESN'T MEAN I HAVE TO ACT LIKE TO GIRL STEREOTYPES! SO WHAT I WANT SHORT HAIR!?! SO WHAT IF I HATE DRESSES!?! SO WHAT IF I DON'T WANNA GET MARRIED, HAVE KIDS, AND BE A "GOOD HOUSE WIFE"!?! IM STILL YOUR DAUGHTER AND ALWAYS WILL BE, BUT IF I WANNA BE CALLED A BOY, IF I WANNA CHANGE MY NAME TO A "BOY NAME", IF I WANT YOU TO STOP TALKING DOWN TO ME ALL THE TIME, CAN YOU RESPECT MY DECISIONS INSTEAD OF GETTING MAD AT ME AND THREATENING ME!?! IM HUMAN TOO YA' KNOW! I HAVE FEELINGS TOO! AND YET, "I DON'T CARE" IS ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY TO ME OTHER THAN CURSES AND THREATS! MA, DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH IT HURTS ME WHEN YOU SAY "I DONT CARE"? IT HURTS SO MUCH THAT I DON'T WANNA LIVE ANYMORE! YOU KNOW HOW BAD I FEEL ABOUT MY BODY AND YET YOU STILL SAY THAT I NEED TO LOOSE WEIGHT, I KNOW I DO, YOU DON'T HAVE TO SHAME ME MORE THAN I ALREADY DO TO MYSELF! I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT MY BODY AND YOU MAKE ME HATE MYSELF MORE! THE ONLY REASON IM STILL ALIVE AT THIS POINT IS BECAUSE I WANT TO SEE THE WORLD, I WANNA EXPERIENCE ALL THESE DIFFERENT THINGS, I DON'T WANT MY FRIENDS TO BE SAD, AND I DON'T WANT MY DOG TO GO INTO DEPRESSION WHEN SHE SENSES THAT IM GONE!
I'm so broken and yet I do my best to hide it and smile to forget the pain I feel when I'm alone in the terrifying silence. Hide it so I can hurry up and leave and complete my dreams, and now I'm crying because of all the pain I feel... why can't my parents support me like how they're supposed to do? Why do they have to deny the fact that I was never supposed to be their "pretty pink princess" I don't think I was supposed to be a girl in the first place, I'd be better of as a boy. They refuse to believe that I'm asexual, they refuse to believe that they're NEVER gonna get grandchildren from me. I just wanna be accepted by my parents, especially my ma, I do everything I can to impress her and all I get is a glance and a nod, i could cure cancer and she wouldn't give me more than a glance and a nod. I tired, so so tired of doing my best to get your attention and approval! I'm better of dead and in hell, at least satan would give me more of a reaction than you!
I'm In so much pain right now... I really wanna die, it hurts, I'm so broken, the hole in my heart hurts, its physical and emotional pain, it hurts and I don't know how to fill this whole in my heart, what is it that I'm missing? Why am I hurting so much? I wanna end it all but I can't, I care to much about my friends to hurt them like that, but it hurts so bad. I can't stop crying I need help but I'm scared that I'm broken beyond repairing. It hurts so so much...
