lights up - part 1
it was a friday night, exactly three weeks since sco and i had met, and despite lucy's pub round, anya's invitation to a party and a film friday with johnny, both me and sco decided to stay in our dorm, playing videogames and drinking the usual beer. it was not like i didn't appreciate lucy's or johnny's invites, it was just that anya's attitude the previous day had let sco quite upset, and i didn't want to leave him alone. the conversation with her went as follows:
"hi anya." i smiled at her in the hallway. she was with a couple of people i didn't know — but then again i didn't know many people — whilst sco and hugh, a guy from a literary theory class us three had in common.
"hey. hi will." she said, unsympathetic, approaching us.
"hi babe." sco said, giving her an awkward kiss on the cheek "so, what are you doing this friday?"
"actually..." she hesitated "lily and florence are having a party. you can come, if you want." and then she looked at me "you too, thomas, i'm sure they won't mind two more." she smiled
"ah. i see." sco's eyebrows dropped "actually, i have a big... big project. for monday. for literary theory."
"we do?" hugh cluelessly asked
"yeah, we do." i elbowed him softly "is that... presentation. we're doing it as a group? remember, hugh?"
"of course!" hugh was not a good liar, he did it with too much enthusiasm, but it was a sweet try.
"okay..." she giggled "i'll see you around then. bye will." she kissed him in the cheek and promptly left.
that had crushed him. i didn't think he sleep that night, no jokes or small talk made him open up a smile. it broke my heart to see him like that, it broke me to see how sad he was and it shattered me to see that it was over someone else. anya was not the problem, she was not a bad person or anything like that, they were just drifting away, but i just wished it was different. sco did not deserve it.
as friday night came by i was on my bed scrolling through twitter when sco came back with a six pack of heinekens and threw cases of videogames at me.
"dealers choice." he said turning back and opening a long neck for himself.
call of duty modern warfare, life is strange, assasin's creed brotherhood, call of duty black ops two, call of duty WW2, red dead redemption 2 and call of duty infinite warfare. i chose red dead redemption, i didn't think right now was the time for violent war games or for the sadness that life is strange could bring, so cowboys shootings in southern united states was the go. in between virtual bar fights and bloody saloons, i decided to break the silence in the worst way possible.
"it's my brother."
"i'm sorry, what?" sco asked confused
"when you first called me blake, i reacted weirdly. i did so, because people don't call me blake. people used to call my brother blake."
"oh. why didn't you tell me this then?"
"i dunno." i pulled my gun on a fictional maiden on the screen "i guess i didn't really mind you calling me it."
"good."
"good." a long pause. "he was a peacekeeper."
"i know."
"wait, what?" i got stabbed "ah, shit! what do you mean you know?"
"i bring you tea in bed every morning, i noticed him holding the blue helmet in one of the pictures."
"he died wearing it too. caught in the crossfire in syria two and a half years ago."
"he was brave." sco's character died in the game "fuck." he whispered
"as you would have been if you hadn't got shot." a pause "sorry, shouldn't have brought that up."
"it's fine." it wasn't, his left hand stopped moving, he wasn't clicking the buttons on the controller, although his expression made it clear he was trying.
"it's not." i paused "hey, sco, look at me." i grabbed him by the shoulders "you're not there. you're here, with me." he wasn't answering "let's get you up, yeah?" i pulled us both from the ground and sat him on the windowsill, throwing both our empty bottles of beer away and putting the kettle on "sco, it's blake. you're in the university of westminster in our dorm. we were just playing rdr on your playstation, right in our dorms." he nodded, more than he had done for the past minute "why don't we sing a song, huh? uh... walk through fire for you, just let me adore you... no, that's not it... i'll be the polka dots type, i'll know the way back if you know the way..." i looked at him in hope of a response "all the lights couldn't put out the dark running through my heart, lights up and they know who you are..." i struggled to keep my eyes off of the tears, holding his wrist, waiting for an answer when:
"know who you are... do you know who you are...?" he looked up at me
"shine, step into the light
shine, so bright sometimes
shine, i'm not ever going back
shine, step into the light
shine, so bright sometimes
shine, i'm not ever going back
shine, step into the light
shine, so bright sometimes
shine, i'm not ever..." we sang shakily together
"i'm not ever, ever..." he sang, looking into my eyes. he seemed alive again, i could see the glow in his eyes and i was almost distracted by it, almost getting lost when he kissed me. it was quick, but it had happened. i thought his mind was somewhere far away, because after he did it, he looked out of the window in silence.
"alright, sco, you didn't sleep last night and this was an intense couple of minutes, so why don't we head off to bed?"
"won't be able to sleep."
"okay..." i decided to shoot my shot, if it wasn't a good idea he'd understand "what if you drink your tea and after that i sit beside you until you're asleep? if you like. would that help?"
"think so." he was still very monotonic, whatever he was going through definitely wasn't over.
"good. i'll just..." i took him under my arms and sat him on the bed "and i'll grab your..." i gestured to the counter "here." i handed him the mug and he drank it, eyes locked on his feet. i hummed to the tone of lights up, it seemed to help. in a couple of minutes and he was lying down.
"blake?" he finally spoke
"yeah?"
"would you mind lying down?"
i gulped dry "sure."
and i put my head on his pillow, his face was very close to me and i could hear his breath. i don't know how long it took him, but at some point he fell asleep on top of my chest and i couldn't move, so i just gave up and decided to sleep there, couldn't risk waking him up.
"good." i whispered alone to our shared ceiling, thinking about the beers that were going to get warm out of the freezer.
;
cameos:
hugh (as in hugh skinner)
lily (as in lily james)
florence (as in florence pugh)
