Outlet - An Undertale story

Chapter Four - Acceptance

I find myself drifting off to sleep. It's a wonderful feeling really, drifting off to sleep. The land of dreams is a wonderful place. It's filled with mind-boggling things, as well as horrifying things. But don't accept the good without the bad. At least, that's what my mother taught me. Many times she said this. At the dinner table, at bed, and at church. We used to be so close... Until I told her something I found out about myself. I didn't want to be labeled. That was my excuse. I was always scared of saying things. I didn't like my label. I didn't like how I was classified. I wasn't sure at first which is why I told my mother I was not a girl or a boy. I suppose I knew for a while... I constantly cut my hair, dressed as the one thing I was not. My mother didn't approve.

Maybe that's why I wasn't too sad when she passed. She wouldn't let me say it. And it tore me apart. Maybe that's why I'm a fucked up mess. Why I have these panic attacks and nightmares.

But, the closeness, what we had used to have been. I longed for it before she died, I longed to talk to her, to explain. But she never listened. So I let us grow apart, when I could have fixed it.

Still, it had been my fault.

I tried to tell her. I gave slight, miniscule hints. Made my character a boy in video games, cut my hair, dressed how I felt I was on the inside. I was too scared to say it. I never knew why. I knew it was me but I didn't want it to be. I didn't want to be different. I asked people I knew what it meant to them to be different to see if I was mistaken about who I thought I was, but I didn't know anymore. And not knowing scared me. I... I didn't like having to make things complicated. I didn't want to stand out. I just wanted to be me, but if I was myself would others accept it?

I hated feeling helpless to choose who I was. To tell others who I was. I had known this since the Fourth grade and yet I hid it. Hiding hurts, but so does rejection. So I tried dating boys. Tried to feel like who I was supposed to be, like what the rest of my gender qualified as. I didn't want to be different.

Before I knew it, it was morning. Maddi was still curled up in my arms. Sound asleep. Knowing who she was. I envied her. I silently slip out of bed to go cook breakfast. I hear the tiniest yawn behind me.

"Good Morning, Rachi" I flinch at the sound of my name.

"Good Morning, Maddi."