Girl

In my head and in my imagination I always thought that I was chasing her. All the time. I always see myself walking and trying to reach out and catch that hand. Or touch her and turn her around and hold her after all this time. She was my destination. The right place where I should be. Tell her everything. How sorry I am. How we ruined each other. That is was our fault. It wasn't mine or hers. I'm not blaming me or her. I'm blaming us. Things didn't turn out how we wanted. How I wanted. I was happy when I had her in my life. Before her I never cried. Only when I was watching a movie. But after her I let emotions free. I cried often. I'm still crying sometimes when I think about her. She was my joy. And maybe I developed feelings for her. I even started to feel like I'm in a relationship. Everyone knew about her. The way I talked about her. I still talk about her. Is she talking about me too? Have I ever crossed her mind like she does mine? Did she realise some things like I did? Those are the questions I want to ask her when I catch her. It was always hard to get some emotion out of her. She was hard to crack. And I like that about her. I wanted to crack her code. Because one time she was lovey dovey and other time she said: I never told you to do that. And I started to struggle. I wanted her to make up her mind. I was confused about her feelings. And my new feelings confused me. I never felt that way. That I actually like someone so much. But I never told her. Because I'm afraid of my feelings. I don't want to like someone. Love. It hurts in the end. And it hurt. I didn't know what to do with my life. Now that she left. Who do I have now? I want her. I miss her. So I cried. I cried a lot. She was my big heartbreak. Did she cry too? I think that I would be crying again if I met her. From happiness. From heartache. From everything I feel for her. Everything I want to tell her. I realised that I started to coping with this. I started to go out with a lot of people. I always have people around me. But in the end. I'm all alone. With my thoughts. About her. About what we did wrong. How I want to reconcile with her. But I'm afraid. Is she still thinking about me sometimes too? I feel like I don't know what to do. But at the same time I know what to do. Did she move on? Am I too late? I guess she wasn't that broken as me. Maybe I'm guessing wrong. Who knows? Am I moving on too? Sometimes I feel like I am. Sometimes I think that I don't need her anymore. The more I want her back the more I don't need her. But I still l… her. See? That's why I hate feelings. Shouldn't have lost my coldness. Looks like I didn't make up my mind too. Funny. But in my mind and imagination I realised.