one look, dark room;
meant just for you
Connor adjusts the camera that's sitting on his tripod for the tenth time since he's turned it on. He knows he's stalling, trying to avoid what's coming next. It's his decision, he reminds himself, he chose to do this, and yet he's doing everything possible to put it off.
He breathes in slowly and exhales through pursed lips. He attempts to still his trembling hands in his lap and closes his eyes for just a moment, knowing that what he says now will define who he is to the Internet for the rest of his career.
He opens his eyes.
;
Troye sees the video the moment it's uploaded, before Connor tweets it. It shows up right at the top of his subscriptions list, and his breath catches in his throat. The title says it all.
Of course he knows, he's known for a while because Connor is one of his best friends, but he didn't know it would become this - an entire video dedicated to telling the truth to his audience and to the world.
He mouses over slowly and clicks on the video.
Connor looks as if he's trying to appear happy and upbeat, but his usual bright eyes somehow dimmed.
"I kid you not, as soon as I turned on the camera my heart just, like, immediately started beating really fast," he says with an uneasy smile and a nervous, forced laugh.
His voice seems distant and empty, and Troye thinks this isn't what Connor is supposed to look like - he should be happy to share this part of his life, happy that he's accepted himself, happy that he's being honest about who he is. But he just looks sad.
Troye watches in silence as Connor talks, and everything he says reminds him of when he himself was first coming to terms with who he was. He looks so scared of it all, but at the same time he's never seemed so brave.
"So today I want to talk to you guys about that, and be open and honest, and tell you that...I'm gay."
;
Connor's never been more terrified in his life than this moment. (Besides the time when he had that first thought in the seventh grade and also when he was talking to himself in the mirror not too long ago.) He has to remind himself that Tyler's his best friend and he, of all people, will understand what he's going through. But somehow, there's that thought in the back of his mind that maybe everything won't be okay, and things will never be the same. And that's the scariest thing to think about.
It's five in the morning and he's sitting across from Tyler on his couch and all Connor has been doing is rambling on about nonsense for hours. He can't seem to stop himself until Tyler rests a hand gently on his shoulder and asks, "What is all this about?"
Connor's eyes sting with tears and he swallows the growing lump in his throat. "I'm gay."
Tyler's face softens and he pulls his friend into a tight embrace. "I'm so proud of you. And I'm so happy that you were able to tell me, because you know you can tell me anything and that I'd never judge you. I'm always here. And I love you."
Connor's tears are starting to soak through his shirt but he doesn't mind.
"I was so scared," Connor chokes out. "I was terrified for years, and I just wanted to be normal like everyone...and I didn't know how long it would take to realize that this is who I am, you know? And now I'm here, telling someone for the first time, and it's just - " He wipes his palm over his cheek in an attempt to dry some of the tears. "Thank you for listening and, you know, being a really good friend. I'm just...really grateful."
