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Do you ever just stare at the ceiling after you've mentally screamed your head off? Like, a second ago you felt a wave of emotion, but now you don't feel anything?
I just wish my family would understand the reason why I don't like 'socializing' is because of them. The reason I give my mom 'attitude' is because I'm upset, annoyed, angry, and many other emotions. My mom always asks me if I've taken my medication yet.
The way my mom acts around me when I haven't taken my medication yet, it's like she hates me. Then, once I've taken my medication, she can tolerate me a bit more.
It makes me feel like I'm a mistake. Like it would be better for everyone if I disappeared. Like no matter what I do, she will never love me for who I really am. I have become so good at hiding my emotional pain from everyone around me, that even I can't tell when I'm acting.
I sit by in my own life, waiting for someone to notice my calls for help. Only to realize... No one will. They never will. Because I've become so good at acting like nothings wrong, that everything is FINE, that no one will notice me drowning in my own thoughts.
I don't push myself to to be a good friend because I want to be hurt in the end. I don't sit here, watching people be happy... Being themselves, because I would rather be alone.
I push myself to be a good friend because I don't want to be alone and ignored and stressed. I sit and watch others be happy, being themselves, because I don't want to ruin what they have.
I have problems. And I'm suffocating in them. Waiting for her to help me. To love me like I love her.

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