go slowly, my lovely moon (jinson, jackjin)

go slowly, my lovely moon

It starts when they tell us we can have a little bit of free time in the old town area near our hotel. I have had many bad ideas, and this will definitely make it somewhere on the top.

Let's go on another date, I say, the staff barely out of earshot, in front of the other members, in front of you.

The others laugh when they hear my request. They probably think I'm so bored, I've come up with another impulsive idea yet again. Except this time, it's not for fun, it's not out of impulse and from the thought of, what would make entertaining content?

It's real now.

And you, sweet Jinyoung, obliging, so nice, smiling that smile of yours that reaches your eyes, oh, I could go on forever and ever, waxing poetic about your fucking beautiful eyes.

You say yes, and I feel so much that it hurts, and I am deathly afraid of it showing. So, I hide it. I hide it with my humor, with some skinship here and there, the members find it amusing. I wonder if Jaebeom knows, sometimes I swear there's a slight glint in his eye when he looks at us, up to our usual antics again. There goes Park-gae and Wang-gae, the others are maybe thinking.

I wonder if you know.

We go back to our rooms to get our things, our cameras, whatever we need to go out. I decide not to be late this time, because deep in my mind I tell myself, I shouldn't mess this up, I can't mess it up.

A thousand thoughts are sprinting through my mind. Is my hair neat, do I look good, are my shoelaces untied and messy? But all those seem menial now, because I've asked you on another date, in front of everyone, and oh my heart is going at hundred per minute, can my heart burst from my ribs—

Sseun-ah. Your voice calls to me from down the corridor. I turn and there you are, standing in front of me, that dazzling smile again.

I say to you, let's be tourists for a day, Jinyoung, and you smile back and say, Okay, Sseun. The way you say my name, even if it's a fragment, flows so prettily off your lips like a song. Or perhaps my mind has deluded me so much into thinking you are perfect, perfect like Michelangelo's masterpieces. We head out, down the street, without much of a care. There aren't as many people out since it's the late afternoon and it's warm, so I think I can afford to be a bit bold. Nobody knows who we are here, after all.

I hook my arm in the crook of yours. It seems to fit so nicely, and there's a little ache brewing in my heart again. You don't say anything, you just keep walking. It just all seems so normal. We reach the square and it's empty. There's no market today, and most people seem to be taking a rest before the evening. So I let impulse take the lead once more. I take your hand, and we run. To where, I don't know, but suddenly I'm laughing and you're laughing and your smile is like the sun.

We run around the square, and then behind the streets, where there are old houses and shops lined prettily on cobblestone. Your hand is still in mine, and we walk as if the ground might come apart any minute. It's quiet, but strangely, it doesn't feel awkward.

Comfort. But it's you more than anything, your smile and your reassuring voice.

We walk until we reach a florist, who's left some of their flowers out in wooden crates. They smell lovely, and I take a smaller one, and put it in your hair. You beam and then you put it in my hair. It feels an awful lot like we're in some movie. Far away, where no one knows who we are, where there are cobblestone streets, and floral shops along the alleys.

You look at me with such soft eyes. Of course, I can't help but break the mood with my jokes. Why, am I so dazzling? I grin, but your expression morphs into something else. Your eyes seem to be studying my face, and when did the distance between us close so much? I can see the hairs between your eyebrows, I jibe, and you punch me lightly in the arm.

And you go back to looking at me. I can't read your mind, although sometimes I wish I did. Right now, I want to, so much.

Your hand moves to cup my cheek, and your thumb slowly runs along it. I gulp, and I wonder if you can see my Adam's apple bob.

And then, it's as if my dreams have leaked from the deepest reach of my mind, out into the open.

Your face is so close now, inches away-

Jinyoung. I say, and there's no hint of humor in my voice.

Is something wrong?

You were going to—

Yes.

Why? Is it because we're far away, you suddenly feel like you're in some movie—

My brow furrows. I've never sounded this upset with you in a long, long time.

Sseun?

Yeah?

Never. Not with you.

I don't know what you mean, until the answer is presented to my lips. Yours, soft on mine. My lips are a little chapped, but you don't seem to mind.

You pull away gently, and I see a new smile.

It looks a lot like—

No, it can't be.

I wanted to do this for a long time, you whisper, and now both your hands cup my face, as if I'm that flower earlier.

Really now, I fold my arms, and you chuckle, low, deep, a pleasant rumble.

I think it started somewhere in the middle of that first date.

I can't help but laugh out loud, and the sound echoes a little through the alley. I thought I was so fussy. But you're still smiling, recalling it all, me suddenly taking your hand as we sat outside the bistro, us laughing at whatever the other said.

Did you know? About well, me—

I feel a bit shy continuing that sentence, even though I know I don't have to, yet we've reached a point where we cross from something we've known for so long into something so new. Suddenly, a new fear creeps into my mind.

You shrug and say a simple yeah, as if that answers anything. I'll make it my mission to get a proper answer from you in future. But that's for later.

Now, we have now. All we have is the now. I don't know what will happen, but your fingers are interlocked with mine, so I guess we're going to be just fine.

So I lean up to close the distance between us again, and now, I can feel your smile on my mouth.