Dear Dad

April 19, 2019

Dear Dad,

Today's April 19, and I don't really know why I'm sending you this but I am. I know it's been a long time since I've seen you or talked to you, frankly even communicating with you and i'm sorry that I didn't have the guts to write until now. I want you to know that i'm doing well, I have been doing well for a couple of years now, of course I still struggle with a few things but i'm definitely getting better.

I know you wouldn't be too thrilled seeing that i'm the best that i've ever been but you were never thrilled whenever I was thriving so ig it doesn't matter anymore. Honestly I don't know why i'm even writing this, since i'm not gonna actually send it to you(and you probably wouldn't wanna see it anyways). Ig I'm just tired of living with this constant burden of knowing that our relationship is like fire, it's either burning everything it touches, or it's put out(nonexistent).

I do have regrets on how we ended our last conversation. I wish I was more mature and not as blind-sided with rage, I want you to know that I didn't mean it when I said I was gonna kill you the next time I saw you, but the amount of anger and disappointment that I felt was 100% genuine. If I get to see you again all I can say for now is that I will give you a hug, and then i'll smack the shit out of you. I have forgiven you, but that doesn't mean that i'll ever forget it, and it also doesn't mean that i'm not mad at you. I think I will always have some anger against you for allowing your kids to witness abuse and making them believe it's normal. But, I do hope that God will guide me to find peace and maybe later on to let this go.

I do hope that you get your life together and that God can help calm your heart as well. I do wish the best for you, but I also hope that you go through hell to get what's best for you. Anyways, I'm gonna stop it here since ik you wouldn't wanna read all of this.

I do miss you though... I wish you could've been a better dad, but it's ok.

I love you,
                  bee