T.W - Minor mentions of self-harm and an eating disorder.
The warmth of your embrace
Saved my soul
And also,
Destroyed it simultaneously.
Wrapped in your arms,
Was the only place
I allowed myself to feel anything but happiness.
The one place I felt safe,
Where nothing bad could ever happen
And yet it happened;
You happened.
You annexed my thoughts,
Became my reason to live,
You were the one source of my happiness.
I was there for you always,
But when I needed you most,
You vanished.
Like a deer caught in headlights,
You ran away.
For months I blamed myself for your cowardness,
It was my fault you left.
I'm disgusting.
I drove you away.
I tried to fix myself for you.
Out of hope,
That you might someday return.
Hope is a dangerous thing to have.
I tried to be what you wanted;
I tried to be like her.
Starving myself, ruining myself, burning myself.
Begging for your validation.
Any sign of your affection,
Attention,
I'd take whatever I could get.
Hope is a dangerous thing to have.
But you were still gone,
Nothing I could do would change that.
You'd return only ever to get scared and be gone the next day.
Never once saying goodbye.
No one says goodbye.
It was a cycle on constant repeat,
One that I could never escape from.
I was terrified.
But I didn't run.
Even in your absence,
You still manage to make and break my heart,
Every second of every day.
Without the warmth of your embrace,
The loneliness chills my soul.
To be without you,
It is so cold.
