Voice Of My Heart【JUNHOXEUNSANG】

Voice Of My Heart[Junho]

My heart beats loudly as I pressed my lips on his. I didn't know what he would think of me after this but I just couldn't hold myself anymore. I like Eunsang, I always have. Thinking that he has a girlfriend all this time, I have been trying to push back my feelings deep down just so he would never find out. But here I am, feeling his soft lips on mine. My insides squirmed with the light, mushy feels as I think of how soft his lips felt on mine. I have kissed many girls before but none of them felt like this; sparks inside my heart, blood coming up my cheeks, scared of what he was thinking, afraid if he would push me away...my emotions were a mess as I tried to back off, feeling shy that he didn't kiss me back. Why would he? He didn't have a crush on me like I have on him, I should have expected this.

I stared in his eyes as he looked back in mine, shocked and probably thinking of ways to get out of this awkward shit. I quickly looked away and voiced out before he said anything, "I like you. You don't need to like me back or anything. I just...I- " I bit my lips not knowing what to say wishing he would at least give me a reaction. I should have realised this sooner. Just because he didn't have a girlfriend didn't exactly mean I had a chance. I'm a guy after all.

It was two years ago in Spring when I first saw Eunsang in the park nearby our apartment house, the boys and I lived together. The park we always used to sing and play casually. The cherry blossoms were twirling around dancing beautifully with the wind as I sang in the park as usual. There were around at least 5 to 10 people who stopped by to watch our performance. I still remember when I suddenly paused, confusing my band members and everyone who were watching. I recovered quickly from my short trance and continued to sing but my eyes refused to turn away from the red head in school uniform who caught my eyes with his beautiful smile.

He was there, standing so peacefully, watching us perform as his red hair blended perfectly with the Cherry Blossom trees at the background, growing by the riverside. The little smile tugged on his lips was enough to keep my eyes fixed on him. He looked beautiful and calm and serene and everything I liked.

Never thought I would see him frequently, but I did. He must have been walking back home from school as I usually see high schoolers in different uniforms walking in that one particular road, passing through the park. I start seeing him on a usual basis days later when it wasn't on the weekends. It looked like he enjoyed our music as I secretly watched his subtle little tapping movements of his fingers. The next day and the next, it became more evident that he memorized the few songs we had, as his lip movements became more evident as he sang along with me while he stood watching.

I don't know if the other boys never noticed him or not, after all, the same group of girls and a few passerbys are our usual audience. He did stood out to me and I knew I was starting to have a light crush on him. And it was only growing more and more as I always find him around where we performed, even if it wasn't at the park. Maybe that was why I wasn't as surprised earlier when he revealed that he liked our music since back then. I used to see him at least twice a week after we stopped performing at the park because the area suddenly got restricted. Thought I would see him no more after that, but coincidentally, I found out he worked as a part time waiter in the coffeeshop where we peformed for a birthday party. I assumed he must have lived around that place.

I knew I was hopeless for crushing on a stranger whose name I didn't even know. I knew I would never approach him, I wasn't one to do that. But I did write this one song Voice In My Heart thinking about how I will never be able to speak out my feelings to him. So maybe, if he listens to this song, my feelings would reach him even if he didn't know.

But that all crushed down when I saw him coming at the cafe with this one pretty girl who I thought was his girlfriend. I mean who wouldn't? They were being so close to each other, holding hands, laughing together, smiling at whatever the girl said. That was when I knew I had no chance. The guy was probably into girls and I never thought about it before. I knew I had to stop having this stupid crush on a stranger whose name I didn't know, who had a beautiful girlfriend and who would never look at me with the same reason of why my eyes like to follow him.