벚꽃 엔딩 CHERRY BLOSSOM ENDING | lee jihoon

xii. coda of jeongmin's letter

tw, domestic abuse (non-graphic).

♡ ♡ ♡

To Jihoon.

There's a lot I'd like to tell you, all at once, but I can't; so, I'll tell you, little by little. If it's any recompense, I don't hate you. I wouldn't bring myself to even if I could. I can't hate people and it's not like I'm some saint, because I'm not, but why would I direct energy to waste when I could use it for something else, which brings me to my point. It wasn't your fault. It wasn't any of our faults; everything is typically out of our hands. We can't control what people do but we can control how we respond.

I wish I could've let you know earlier. Despite the not so long time that we've known each other, I feel like you've come to know the real me more than anyone else ever has.

If you've called me or messaged me, that isn't my response to the situation. Again, everything is typically out of our hands. I've been powerless to so much, and I'm sorry if my inability to protect you or anyone has hurt you. I could easily say that this is my fault but I just feel guilty. You expressed that you felt the same way but let's not hurt ourselves more.

I know Soonyoung can be temperamental and a wild card so I know that he feels like you are to blame. I wish I could speak to him, too. You are my best friends, if that's okay with you. Is it okay if I depend on you and you depend on me, despite the mess I have created in a way. I could've just stayed in my hometown and didn't have to come, but I understand you've heard that, as always, I was powerless.

Yeah, I was upset upon seeing that you spied on me but it's okay; I've expressed my anger and frustration through a different outlet, so we're fine. I cry about boys, I'm not ashamed of it. Yes, I am. Let's not kid ourselves; Soonyoung has done that to me and done the opposite of what you've done by confronting head on: literally no thoughts, head empty. Again, you are my best friends. I know what's best for myself, but sometimes my hands are tied. So, I thank you for caring, for trying, for listening, for supporting, for letting me stay with you in your studio, for not ripping my head off when I accidentally messed up half a demo, for being there, for making me laugh and not getting even more mad at me when I'd laugh when the boys tease you, for not beating Soonyoung every time he would try to hug you or try to kiss you because I know he increased his attempts during my stay, for staying up with me, for being patient, for letting me sleep in your bed, for feeding me, for letting me feed you, for not fighting me no matter how annoying I would be, for loving me.

   I know that you aren't familiar when it comes to girls and the culture of dating or romance in that sense, which defies logic since you write songs like you're Shakespeare but less tragedies. You know love, that's for sure. I'll give you some tips, from what I know because this is the most I can do from here. This works the majority of the time but it depends on the context, but you're so smart, you'll know. Sometimes, she'll mean the opposite of what she says, but please be mindful, just as you are with me.

   When a girl says she's fine, she isn't. When she asks you if she thinks she looks fat in a dress, I know you'll want to be honest but save it: address her in the same way she makes a dent on your heart. When she changes how much she says, from a lot to a little, please be careful with her heart and look out for her. You might have done something wrong but don't give up. I can't wait to see the girl you manage to find.

   With that said, don't worry about me, for I love you, too, (this a truth of the truth) with those words being facts instead of left unsaid if I were to die before or even after I send this letter out. I'll be fine. I'm going to learn to be fine. I want you to know. I want to help you even by this much from all the over here. Please don't worry about me anymore. I want you to stay healthy and to continue shining like the star you are because you are so desired and adored by Carats, music lovers, including me.