Love Changes (Taekook) ✔

7. The truth

This chapter is all Jungkook's pov. Him talking and telling taehyung about his past.
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I was a very shy and weak 7 year old kid. I changed schools after moving from busan to a new house here in seoul.

I was still a little kid, my mind didnt understand most of the things at that time, i thought my parents where going to leave me alone at that school and never come back. I was scared out of my mind.

I cried so much. I saw and heared many kids gossiping and whispering about me while pointing towards my direction. There laughs and glares only made me feel worse.

I used to and still hate strangers. That is why i acted all stupid in front of you and the group when we first met.

As days turned to weeks and weeks turned to months, i started getting bullied. Girls and boys; they all hated me and would always disturb and annoy me; with whatever iam doing. Some would hit me, throw sharp objects at me, stab me with there pens and stuff.

One time i was painting alone in the art room, on lunch time, a group of boys came to me, breaking my canvas after spraying many colours on it and on me too. They went outside, never forgetting to save the video they filmed of them using me as a punching bag and destroying my painting. Which was meant to be a birthday gift for my mother.

Years passed and the bullying never stopped, but got worse. We all grew up; the bullying techneques of there's developed too. I never told my parets though. I was scared that they would of left me and turned there backs to me, just like many classmates did for me.

I would always give chances, in hope of getting a real friend. A friend who wouldn't just be my friend for a bet or a plan to crush me. But i never had one, till i reached the point of not believing the topic of "true friends".

All they ever did was befriend me then leave me hurt and betray me. Some were planned, some were only dares and bets. Some were forced to in fear of joining me getting bullied and hurt.

They never told me the reason to why they did all that; they did it for fun, i thought. They only took advantage of my weakness and shyness to destroy me.

And they actually did

It was last year that i've had enough. I reached my limit of patience and ignorance. My grades where little by little lowering from lack of focussing and tiredness. Which was itself from lack of sleep.

I would always stay awake most of the nights, sometimes, i wouldn't see sleep and relaxation for more than 3 connected days. It was from my anxiety and depression. I would continuously get nightmares every time i try to sleep in.

Many panic attacks and dark thoughts would keep me awake. I've had these attacks from 2 years. That was the one you saw on that morning. I dont get to control my attacks, sometimes something may trigger it, but other times it comes randomly. And it hurts like a bitch.

I had my very first attack when my old classmates done a prank on me and recorded it all. We were at a party, i was obliged to go to, they threw eggs, flour, ice cold water and tomatoes. I was a mess, they put the video on YouTube, so once i saw it, i had my very first panic attack. I was so scared that time, i didnt know what was wrong with me. So i just searched it and found out 'bout it.

I wouldn't want this to happen to ANYONE. It really do hurt; both mentally and physically. I feel lack of air coming through my lungs, i feel as if my heart will stop beating. I always feel like, and prefer dying at that moment. My body starts shaking violently and the voices in my head echo and become louder than bombs. I try stopping these sounds and the voice but it wouldn't budge, it would only increase. And from all the stress and pressure in my head, i would scratch myself with my nails or with any sharp item. I always feel the relief when i hurt or cut myself. Crazy huh...

I may sound so stupid and.... i don't know... crazy? For you.. But there is always this voice in my head that never left me.

That voice was all that i've got left to talk to. It was my only hope and friend but also my enemy at the same time.

It was always the only one i could and would talk to, spend my time with. It made me think that maybe, just maybe... iam not alone.

But at the same time.... it was my biggest enemy; the source of bad and negative but true thoughts. It would always be the one to encourage me to cut and hurt myself; always the one to tell me not to approach anyone, in fear of getting rejected or judged.

It was all my bad thoughts. It was 24/7 with me, well... it is me... but not me too.... I know iam so stupid, pathetic and complicated but... its me. And iam disgusted in me.

Yea ik... i have my parents. But why would they bother? Why should they be disturbed and annoyed by a disappointment pathetic son like me with such a thing?

Even though i changed schools again to this one now... But i never got rid of the voice. And i still told no one. I was never ready to tell this to anyone and iam still not....

Things are gradually getting worse for me. In a way that i am the only one who is getting hurt. I once told my mom about the bullying; after she saw a big cut on my left hand. It was from my classmate. He stabbed my hand with his sharp pen and dragged it. In result it shown a very long and deep cut along my forearm.

After mom spotting that cut by accident she never left me until i told her the truth, only about this cut though. I wouldn't get myself to say anything further; as i saw her eyes filled with sadness and guilt. I saw it there even though she denied but i felt even more guilty. It wasnt her fault it was mine. All mine. It was always my fault for being this weak and pathetic.

I never told her anything after that day. She would always ask me about my day, which was worsening everyday; my friends, which i lied about having to make her happy; myself, which i continuously hurted; my eating, which i stopped in hope of losing weight because iam fat.

Yea, my "lovely" parents never knew i was gay. Nor did anyone. But a month ago, my mom found my dairy, in which i write all of my deep secrets in. My daily thoughts, my everyday doubts, my literally everything.

She of course told my dad, who turned out to be homophobic just as my mom. They kicked me out of the house that day. All the sweet and caring nice moments of there's was now nothing but a memory. A sad one if i may add.

I slept on the streets for several days, trying desperately to find a job that can get me money to eat. I didnt go to school too. I only focused on finding a job, roaming all streets in desperate hope of finding anyone who would help me work at such a young age.

Finally i met someone who helped me. I work at this cafe we are in. I got the back of the cafe for me to sleep in all night, although iam still never getting any sleep. I go early to school with no money to eat; only these couple of simple dark themed peaces of cloth i wear everyday. Then get here and work till late night.

That is my everyday routine nowadays..... Pathetic right? I know!

Now that is my story... I think i talked too much... iam talkative... but at least i'm now sure that you're gonna leave me knowing everything.

♡I'm sorry. I love you Tae. But i dont deserve you♡

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Iam sorry for this shitty chapter. This is based on real life events. So practically iam telling my very own story. Except the gay part. Iam a girl.
Sorry for any mistake and hope you liked it.♡

🖤👇😂I love this😂👇🖤