Rose-Red World

Chapter 3

"You see Caterina, the important part is that even with all of the shit that happened, since we got each other it was fine and you got over most of it. Not all of it might be gone, but a lot of it is." Its hard to make her see the positive parts of her life. It has always been. Caterina isn't a negative person in general but she definitely is pessimistic for herself. I guess we all tend to be. We build up everyone around as but have fun tearing up everything inside of us. Caterina has always been amazing at telling me to be optimistic but when it comes to her she just seems to see more black in this world then white."Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if you'd never told me your story on that day Skylar." She adjusts her sitting position, pulls her hair in a pony and leans backwards on her arms. It strikes me that she thought about that. I mean it would be my job, since it was my story but I never thought she would question it. Caterina is an in the moment person, she doesn't wonder a lot about the past or for that matter future. But she definitely is right. Things would have probably turned out way different if I didn't tell her my whole life story that may night.

I wouldn't know the exact date it was. It must have been the Friday or Saturday after my birthday. So probably the 13th or 14th of May 2016. I was sleeping over at their house like I usually did on the weekends. Blakeley was downstairs talking to their mom about something. It was meet season so it might have been about that but I don't remember the exact topic. I knew it would take a bit longer so I went into Caterinas room. She was laying on her bed, scrolling through her phone so I said next to her. I saw that she was texting some guy. His name was Jackson, so nobody I knew or had heard her mention. When she noticed that I starred at her phone she turned it and laughed. I remember it because she looked and me with that smile on her face with which I knew that he had to be important but I also knew that she wouldn't just hand me the phone. I don't actually know if I thought that I was close enough with her to read her text messages with a guy but I guess I just decided I was because I tried grabbing her phone. I through myself on her trying to pinn her down but it was useless from the beginning on and I definitely was aware of that. She has always been stronger than me, in all aspects but especially physical strength wise. I am still ,but I was even more back then, not a lot of person. I had gained some muscles over the last few month of training but in general I was more of a skinny light weight, so she could easily throw me off her. She didn't though, she let me lay on top of her and we laughed while I kept trying to grab her phone. At some point I decided to give up and she decided I was worthy of knowing at least the beginning of her boy drama. I can vividly remember her saying "Well, Jackson is a boy but like an important boy" I did not get any of that because boys just weren't a thing for me but I liked listening to her. She told me about how they were an on and off thing and how her best friend of that time, Icela, really didn't like him, but she really did. They weren't together at that point but their were talking and when she talked about him you could see her eyes light up . It was cute, but Jackson had been and still was trouble. All the girls liked him at some point, even 2 years later when I met him I couldn't deny that he had a certain charisma and really didn't look bad. The whole story wasn't easy on Caterina. We joked around with it a bit, not just him but life in general. She told me crap about her life so she wanted me to share too " Its just fair Sky, you can't just leave this one sided" she said, so I did. I wasn't a big sharer back then. I didn't talk about my problems or my life and I definitely didn't talk about people who hurt me. Not because they didn't exist, that would have been a great reason. No they existed but the last thing I wanted was to actually talk about it, but Caterina insisted. I told her a very short version. It might have sounded something like  " Remember my three school friends, the trio that I sometime talk about? Well they really aren't my friends. We fought at the middle of eight grade and never completely recovered from that. " I didn't share any other details ,so it sounded like a normal fight, nothing special. Caterina took it for that and joked around again saying something along the lines " Well shit happens when you are alive" and without really thinking I answered with the words " At least I still am alive." It definitely wasn't my smartest moment. I said it in a joking matter and definitely didn't meant for it to be taken seriously even though it was. I was a loner in 8th and 9th grade and after all that had happened with the trio, them suddenly not talking to me and just acting mad for no reason, I had started being suicidal. I was a cutter, I cried almost every day and I had tried to take my own life three times at that point. But I hid it well. I always had, I smiled all the time, gave great advice and  tried to never let anyone down. Still, through all of that Caterina decided to take it seriously. First she just looked at me funny and I tried to shrug it off. I told her I was joking  and that she shouldn't take me serious but she didn't believe me. She forced me to tell. Not with words or violence but with her look of concern and pain. I had never told anyone and it was scary but I trusted her and I felt so bad for lying to her , so I told her. I still don't know what it is with her , but to this day I can not tell her a single lie and if I try I always, with no exception, tell her like 2 seconds later. because of that, I told her that I wasn't joking and that joking was a coping mechanism I had adapted at some point, to deal with all the crap I had alone. I cried  through almost all of it. I don't remember if it was relieve or the pain of reliving the experience but I cried, a lot and through all the talk and sharing we both had for forgotten that we weren't alone in the house and that in fact I wasn't there for her but to stay at Blakeleys. I don't know how long we talked, it must have been at least an hour but at some point her Dad bursted in her room. Heartless, Ignorant and mean were just some of the words her dad used when he came in,  telling us how insensitive it was and thats when we realized Blakeley must have been in her room all of the time. I was still crying at that point and definitely  not ready to leave the conversation so before I went back to Blakeleys room I told Caterina to wait. When I entered the room she was sitting on her bed, crying. I got it, it wasn't nice of me to just leave but I never got why she just didn't come into Caterinas room. Nobody told her to stay outside. I tried to explain to her that I wasn't trying to be mean or ignorant but also that I needed to go back and finish the conversation. But how do you tell a 12 year old that you need to have this conversation with someone your age without telling her that you are depressed, a cutter and suicidal. I don't think she ever completely got it. I repeatedly  said that she just was too young and she would get it at some point but she didn't understand. I left again when she fell asleep. Caterina and me both felt sorry, we really did, but when she made me talk she broke a damm. I had never, not even my parents, told any of it to anyone and I needed the conversation. I strongly believe that if she hadn't made me talk and hadn't listen I wouldn't be here today. Caterina saved my life that day. It wasn't something she had said or done. It was the way she listened without a judgmental face. She never made me promise to stop or told me I was overreacting. She told me to talk to her if something was wrong and told me that she was there for me with whatever and she promised me life was worth fighting for. Even though her life was messy too, she dedicated all of it to me in that moment and was present for me and for the time I needed her. I don't remember much of the words spoken during our conversation. I remember her looking at my cuts and scares and I remember her smile when she told me that I will be fine. We were friends before but in this exact moment we had created a bond that wasn't just easily broken. We had looked at each other with rose-red glasses on before. Me thinking she had the perfect life with being popular, having a best friend and a boy while she was fighting her own battles in her mind and her thinking mine was perfect with my bubbly personality and my smiley face I had on all of the time, while I was having demons in my head and a facade on to hide my insecurities. It broke the rose-red world we were living in and for a moment it might have made it seem like black and white but in reality it lead to us being able to see more colors then we could have ever imagine. Yes it took some time, but that night might have just saved both of our lives. I went back to Blakeleys room that  night and while I might of still cried myself to sleep I did it, for the first time in weeks with a smile  on my face and with the feeling that someone actually cared for me and truthfully loved me.