He's different

Chapter 6|| I'm Monster

Before reading this, please remember that we are switching to Jace's mind

Where do I start? Jordan, the man I'm married to, is just a worried sick puppy, I mean he's good, but, he thinks too much, he thinks the world is going to get him. Yeah, he has anxiety and trust issues but he really acts like a kid, like he's still a child or a teenager. He's not that typical feminine gay.how do I describe him, he's not a guy who's into ladies clothes or makes up nor sassy, he writes like a girl and has too much a body like a girl.he's just a bit of a brat. He's too naive, he's more like a flower boy, who's spent too much time in the garden, watering every flower that gives him discomfort and to water them is to fix them, fix them so they won't take him down. Sometimes Jordan can be really annoying like he'll text you every 5 minutes just to check if you're all right, or act like a baby who needs attention, it stresses me too much. Yeah, I'm saying a lot of bad stuff about him but there is some good stuff about him. Yes, I love him, I love him because he cares too much about me and is too soft to me. He doesn't understand the adult life yet, he still thinks he's young, yeah he has a job but he hasn't got hit by stress or anything that is stressful, he doesn't understand. I don't understand why a soft boy would fall in love with a monster. Yes, I'm referring myself as a monster because I am one, I act too much like one, I'm brutal, I'm angry all the time, I hurt people and people hate me. I'm too much of a bad guy in a kids storybook. I hate myself and I hate life, I would kill myself but I can't, there's someone I love and care too much about, I can't leave him, I need to make him happy, I need to do everything for him. That man is something special to me, too special. I want to see those beautiful smiles again, but it keeps on fading away, I hate that.

I have a lot of regrets, too many in fact, they're everywhere on my body, every needle inserts into my body giving me suffering if I make a mistake. I hate it, I hate it so much. Every night I have this awful dream, I see this woman in my sleep, she's the devil, that red lips, those devilish blue eyes with that suki blonde hair, she kills him, she kills Jordan and smiles with the joy of heartless, I don't want that to happen. I'm sick of it, I want it to go away. I take drugs to forget but I end up throwing up in the morning which makes me feel like shit. I write novels to make myself not to do the mistakes. I write a man's depression because that's all I have and all I know, every character I have, have made mistakes and learns towards the end or never learns. I'm an asshole, I hurt him too much, I hate hurting him every day, it makes me feel like shit more.

Today was kind of funny I guess but in the end, it wasn't cheerful. I was just busy writing one of my novels, it was called ' maid madness', I was just writing the sex scene and suddenly I got an erection, I hate that when it happens. Jordan came home looking happy as ever and sat directly opposite to me and stared. I was getting really nervous and embarrassed, I was hoping he didn't notice. " why are you so red," he asked, " no reason " I mumbled in embarrassment. My body is getting excited, Jesus can he stop looking at me like that. He was looking at me like he knows that I'm hard. " you mumbled, are you embarrassed " he said smirking away, " n-no, I-I'm not " I stuttered in embarrassment. I'm acting like a teenager who gets an erection from anything that is attractive. I started to twitch because I was still writing the sex scene, I keep on tapping my foot. " are you hard or something " he said while still smirking away. I looked down and started tapping my foot rapidly, I'm panicking, I'm panicking too much. " I-i'm not, I'm fine" I stuttered again, I need to leave, I need to quit writing this sex scene and go and do something else. I got up, off my chair and walked to the sink and grab a glass and filled it up with water, and drink it. I carefully turned around and saw him looking at me with a sexy look. I quickly turned back round to face the sink. His look turns me on more, fuck. He carefully walked to me and pressed his body against me and slide his hand up my shirt and bit my ear, I gave a quick moan. Fuck, fuck, he's playing with me, I need to stop this. I pushed him off, " I'm going to take a shower," I said in a rush.

I walked to the bathroom and locked door, I turned the shower on and screamed. I screamed at myself because I felt like an idiot. SMASH. I punch the mirror and the little piece of reflection shattered everywhere. My knuckle started bleeding from the broken glass but I didn't care, I wasn't in the mood to care anymore. Knock, knock, knock. Jordan knocked on the door and I opened it fiercely.

" Is everything ok?" he asked nervously, " yeah, everything is fine, don't you worry, I'm going to take a shower now, so see you later?" I said acting as nothing happened.

I slammed the door and started taking my clothes off. After having a shower, I decided to watch some tv. " hey, your bleeding " Jordan shouted. I looked at him, he was standing in the living room doorway worried to sick.

" yeah, it's nothing, I'm gonna take a walk now " I said acting happy.

I got up and walked passes him. He was shocked, he was terrified, that look scared me and made me feel bad. I grab my coat and head out.

I'm sorry my love I ruined what we had, I ruined everything, I always end up doing, that why I'm a monster.I'm a horrible living breathing creature. I'm sorry Jordan.

As I was walking down this quiet neighbourhood, a homeless man was approaching. He looked like he was in his mid-20s, he had this soft brown long coat on with dirty black and brown trousers and a white t-shirt with alcohol stains all over. His face, his face was hard to tell but he had a brow beard and scruffy hair but less. His eyes I could not see, his eyes were the only thing I couldn't see. He was walking but then stop Midway, he was only a couple of steps away from me. I stopped and looked at him, he was looking down so I still can't see his eyes, He stood straight like a statue.

" Hey, you ok," I said still glancing at him.

Suddenly he quickly moved, he moved one hand in his pocket to grab something and move the other hand in the air. I couldn't, I couldn't stop looking at his face, I didn't pay attention to the thing he was holding, my eyes were glued to his. His eyes have some crazy gaze, his smile was wild, his teeth were rotten and deadly. He flew the knife in the air and started laughing. He was laughing, his whole body language change so quickly when he started laughing, he's was bending his knees and holding then with one knife in one hand, then, he started crying, he wasn't crying because of laughter he was crying with sadness. I stood there staring at him before my eyes started blurring, I collapsed.