Short Stories

Dear Vile Diary,

You are the king's most trusted advisor. Your advice has saved the kingdom from devastation many time. There's just one problem: You're actually trying to sabotage the king with the worst advice you can think of, but it always somehow works in the kings favor.

Dear VILE diary,

It is me again Kraxis the malevolent. I have fooled the stupid king, Proolt the seventeenth, into thinking my name is Sixark the BEnevolent. I have become his most trusted of advisors through a series of backfiring attempts at his crown. I shan't get into detail but I will say it involved a lot of angry geese that I stole from a deranged little boy who said he had magic beans. Turns out the geese could lay gold. but I have plan to rid of the king that will surely work. I asked my supplier of evil necessities to get me the biggest wolf in the tundra of north. I can already see the kings crimson blood on the floor now.

THE WEEK AFTER

THEY WERE MALAMUTE PUPS. GOD DAMMIT. They are adorable but still. And to make matters worse in my favor, they arrived on his daughter's birthday. He thought I had given a gift to her and the royal family. The praise hasn't stopped. But now I have another way to destroy them. They invited to have our portrait done, and I am going to be choosing the painter. I have already seen the skills of our court painters and there is one particular moron I have in mind.

ANOTHER WEEK PASSES

SURREALISM. The portrait was horrid and the king complimented this moron's skills. I couldn't tell the difference between garbage and surrealism. And topping this painter's cake, he is a prince. The king was so "moved" by his art that the painter is to wed the princess. All of my plans have not worked so far but that was because I wasn't putting my magic to good use. I have decided to give the dearly beloveds "special" rings. The painter prince will get a ring of talent drain. He will be stripped of his so called skills. The princess will be given a ring of decay. She will become uglier and uglier until she is nothing but a pile of bubbling ooze and toads.

A MONTH GOES BY

THEY WERE SWITCHED! The prince had decided his little brother would be the ring bearer. The little runt got the rings switched. The rings were supposed to work on those specific genders but with them being switched, the effects were reversed. The prince became beautiful and the princess is now really good at the piano. MORE PRAISE ENSUED. SCREW IT! I'll just use the direct approach. In front of everyone tomorrow I am going to stab the king with his own dagger. AH HA HA HA HA!

FOUR DAYS GO BY

A GARBAGE KNIFE. The king was carrying a fake knife. He was given by a witch who said it was amazing and would destroy anyone it hit with a single blow. The witch LIED. I took his knife from his pocket and hit his armor hoping for it to break. But the goddamn knife broke instead. I was congratulated on saving the king from an untimely demise. I fear my luck will be like this forever and I may as well just work as his trustworthy advisor. No more schemes but I will be trying every single direct approach I can until I can steal his crown, his throne, and his kingdom.