I Wanna Be.

Part 1

Bulldager bulldager bulldager. I woke up in sweats from the nightmare I just had. I grasped for air placing my hand on my chest cause I couldn't breath. It felt like I was in high school all over again. Today was My eight month check up. Yep I was eight months pregnant and no husband or even baby daddy in sight. I couldn't sleep for nothing, I just kept having that same nightmare over and over again. I hated that nightmare, It made me wake up and hate myself all over again. When I was in high school I hated the skin she was in. I didn't like being bigger than the rest of all the other girls. I wanted to hide my body and my rolls. I wanted to hide everything.

I wore baggy clothes, even my school clothes were bigger than my actual clothing size. All of my clothes were that way though. I wore my hair in a ponytail everyday nothing else, and I didn't wear makeup like the other girls. People said I even walked funny but not because i just walked that way, It was because my pants would be baggy from being to big and because of that everyone thought I was a lesbian. I never like women a day in my life, but I also didn't correct them while they were saying it.This girl name Brittany Mitchell's started it all. I didn't know what she had against me, but I never did anything to her. I hardly ever looked In her direction. One day she just start calling me a bulldagger and you know kids, they follow the leader. I was teased everyday after that. Everyday I wouldn't eat lunch and was to scared to even walk pass the cafeteria.

I didn't have any friends, not even one. That was something I regret, not being able to make any friends was really pathetic, I thought. I was happy though, I was able to overcome all the bulling, graduate, and make it out of there. I survived and that alone was a accomplishment. That dream hunted me though, every time I would get a hint of confidence I had that dream. It's as if life was telling me know your place in my world and don't forget it.

I got up and started picking out my clothes for my doctors visit today. I was really excited but my family wasn't happy about my pregnancy at all. My mother was in shocked when she found out. "Who got you pregnant," she said with this disgusted look. Before I could reply my mother apologized and said she didn't mean anything by it. I just shrugged it off, I was used to someone making me feel worthless. One of the reasons I kept my baby was because I didn't think I would ever have the opportunity of having another one again. I didn't know though, I didn't know who my baby was for. When I said that, that made them even more mad. My dad fussed and cussed ," I didn't raise you be no hoe Omani. That was funny cause I was a homebody and he knew I wasn't a hoe. Once they calmed down, I could finally explain the events that led to my pregnancy.

One night I was very bored, so I decided I should get out. I wanted to go somewhere, anywhere. I did my makeup cause I had been practicing a lot and learning so much from my favorite youtubers. After my makeup was done, I went into my closet and grabbed the dress I was suppose to wear for my graduation. I put on my favorite Japanese cherry blossom lotion and rubbed it on to my smooth skin. I put my graduation dress on and did a once over in the mirror. I couldn't help but think how much I hated my body. I grabbed at my rolls and scuffed. I pulled the dress overhead and pulled it off. I wasn't bold enough to wear that dress anyway. I grabbed a baggy pair of black shorts, a over-sized white t-shirt, and got dressed. I looked in the mirror and smile, "I feel way more comfortable in this," I thought to myself.

Leaving the house I headed to this bar I frequent. I loved going there, the older folks didn't bother me much. They let me get drunk in peace. It was empty too, they had regulars but it wasn't like a club. Clubs wasn't for me, I never went but I knew it was for younger crowds around my age. I had always heard they were packed full and people were back to back. Shaking my head I couldn't even imagine going into a place like that.

Walking into the bar I sat down and order My favorite drink a Dry Martini. I love those I was just a vodka type girl. I found my favorite little corner it was away from everyone. I just sat there enjoying my own company but when I looked around at all the regulars I got a little jealous, I always do. The thing is I wanted friends or maybe just one. All my life and I couldn't just make one friend, I thought to myself and started getting sad over again. My 3rd martini was here and I downed it with the quickness, and told the bartender keep em coming. I would usually get nice and drunk order lift and go home. Tonight wasn't gonna be any different.