The Healing

Do you know who you are?

So, as you can see, this isn't another quote. This chapter is gonna be different. It might be a bit too long but it's worth it. At least, I hope so. I had been trying to write this for a long time but I wasn't sure how to start. I'm still not so sure but I guess I would just start by explaining a bit of the history.

I was in this toxic relationship for a few months last year. Don't wanna go much in detail about it and I'm really not here to just victimize myself and blame someone else for my suffering. All I can say is that, that one relationship really crushed me. I kept losing myself little by little every day. And I didn't realize when or how I had totally lost myself. It was like walking through a dark wood all by myself. There was fear. There was anxiety. And then suddenly it struck me that I was lost. I had lost not just my way but the only person who was there with me. That was me, myself. I had lost me and I didn't realize when or how that happened. None of my screams or wailings could be heard because I was all alone. And it was my fault. Yet I couldn't leave the woods. There was something about the fear that destroyed me yet held me back. There were branches of trees spreading out and clutching my legs, not letting me go.

It has been only 5 months since I finally decided to let go of her and what we had. I couldn't stay behind anymore. And there were moments when I locked up myself and broke down. There were moments I felt so empty that the void started to physically hurt me. There were moments I pushed away everyone. There were even moments I tried to physically harm myself to ease the emotional pain. I was so lost. My family and friends started to get distant from me because I kept messing up things. Don't really blame them though. I would have done the same if they kept losing their mind and getting enraged from time to time. But I still held on. I didn't deny my emotions. Whatever I felt, I faced it. I kept feeling unexplainable agony until I woke up one morning and I didn't anymore.

Even after all that one mistake took from me, I don't regret it. Looking back at it now, it all seemed so easy. We were young and stupid. But if I was given a chance to live again, I wouldn't change a thing. Being with her made me realize a lot of things that I wouldn't have realized if she never came into my life and I'm grateful to her for that.

The most important realization was who I really am and what I really deserve. It's something I struggled with for most of my life. I kept asking myself, who am I really? Am the one I am when I'm with my family or the one I am when I'm with my friends or the one I'm when I'm with myself? The answer was none of them. I'm who I was before the world told me who I should be.

We all spend so much time trying to fit in and be who everyone wants us to be and we often lose the touch of the real us. We all want to fit in. We all need someone. We all want people to like us. None of us wanna be lonely, of course. We've all got expectations to fulfill. In the middle of it all, we forget who we really are. We spend so much time trying to please others that we often forget to spend time with ourselves.

I was never the extrovert type. I never liked parties and loud music. I was always the type to sit at home and read books during weekends. I liked spending time with my family. I had an extreme obsession with art, history, and music. I actually liked studying (I still suck at it but doesn't stop me from liking it). I would rather spend my free time fangirling over celebs who don't know me than go out with people I actually know. Most teenagers would describe it as boring so I tried to change. To fit in. Didn't work. I only ended up feeling more distant from myself.

What I'm trying to say is that, you don't need to change yourself to fit in. If everyone tries to be the same then it just becomes boring. Everyone was made differently. All of us are unique. All of us are here to give something different to the world. Let that be great or small but if you're here today, it's because you do have something to give to the world. And no one else other than you could give that to the world because you're you and that's your greatest strength. No matter how small you feel about yourself, you do have the potential to make a difference. And maybe you don't realize it now but I promise you will someday.

Maybe right now, you think that this pain you feel is going to last eternally. And it's quite normal to think that. Human beings feel a certain emotion for a moment and think it's gonna last forever (note the midnight sun reference btw?). But no emotion ever lasts forever. No matter if you've been feeling this for days, or months, or even years but I can assure you that one day, you will definitely see the light. I know it sounds cliché and you might have hundreds of people saying you this but trust me, I've seen it, experienced it, so I do know. I was 8 years old, when I started to lose myself. And I found myself after 9 years. Almost 10 actually. So, when I say, it will be alright, I'm not saying this as a memorized line I say to everyone when they go through stuff. I say it because I know it will be alright.

All you gotta do is just make a decision. That you'll do anything it takes to find yourself. Promise yourself today. That you won't give up. You would hold yourself responsible for your mistakes and learn from them. You would forgive yourself before anyone else. You would forgive others for what they had done to you but won't forget what you learned from that. You would live for no one but yourself because honey, trust me, during our hardest times, no one can really rescue us. No one can ever save us but us, ourselves. Even if you have supportive friends and family, they can never help you if you're not ready to help yourself.

You're the only one who has to stay with you forever till your very last breath. So, love yourself, take care of yourself, do things that make you happy, and evolve into such a strong individual that no external force can ever disrupt your peace of mind.

I would also like to say that if any of you ever need anyone to talk to, just message me on Wattpad or anywhere else where you're comfortable. I would leave the link to all my socials down below in the comments so you know where to contact me. If you feel uncomfortable talking at first then you could anonymously send me a message in my Tumblr. Just know that I'm always here for you and whatever you're going through, you don't have to go through it alone. We can find a way out together. It doesn't have to necessarily be me. You can even contact a parent or teacher or a trustable friend or the local helpline but please do reach out. I know how it feels to come from a place when you can't trust anyone at all. You can even write out your feelings on a sheet of paper, throw it off or keep it, that's your choice but do vent it out. Please don't burden up your heart with so much pain. It's only a little fist-sized organ. It already has so much work to do. Please don't put more stress on it. 

What you feel is completely valid. I know at times you may be embarrassed to tell anyone about it because you may feel like no one will ever understand but someone always does understand. There might be thousands of cruel bitches on earth who are only alive to put you down but there are also thousands of people out there who genuinely care. Who really wanna help you out. So please do talk it out or write it out or do whatever it takes to release the pain your heart is holding. Don't harm yourself though. That one thing really doesn't work. There were people telling me that if I harmed myself, it would help me but it never helped. And I mean why would you even add more scars on your body when there are already so many unhealed ones on your soul?

Finally, I would like to just say that if you're broken, you don't have to stay broken (yes, that's a Selena Gomez reference). And please do vent out your emotions because the moment you start opening up, it gets a lot easier. 

Stay safe and treat people with kindness.