A Tribute to My Emotions

28/04/20

She sat on her bed looking at the sky. It was twilight. A week had passed since he had told her he wasn't in love with her anymore. This wasn't news to her though. This wasn't something that she wanted to fight him about. She accepted it. The same way her tears soothed her burning cheeks as she wailed into the soft blanket she had wrapped around herself. The world seemed to be rotating in this perpetual slow motion where she had lost touch of reality and of herself. She was stronger than this. She would have gotten over any old Tom, Dick or Harry but here she was... sat in front of her window, staring at the deep blue sky.

Part of her was confused, another part felt cheated, the other felt broken. She had put her heart on the line for this man. She cared and cared and cared but she knew she was falling out of love with him. She knew she would have pulled the plug if a week had passed but he seemed to had caught on her distancing and beat her to it. Did that hurt her more than the break up itself? Did her pride get hurt in the process? She didn't know. All she knew is that she had been crying for the past hour after telling herself and the people she loved around her that she was fine. He used to tell her she was pretty when she cried.

She got out of her little ball of comfort and grabbed the lighter but for once she didn't grab the balls of green to put her mind to rest through the smoke she inhaled... then exhaled. no, this time she walked to the window and lit some of her candles before opening her laptop and checking the essentials. Instagram. Twitter. Emails. Nothing important. At least she didn't find anything interesting anymore. Someone told her he'd never leave. Someone told her he'd fight for her every waking breath. Someone had told her that she was going to be loved.... Endlessly. But she was shown different.

She knew she was gorgeous. She knew she was the kryptonite in many mens' lives. She knew she was surrounded by supportive people who loved her but she couldn't help but feel so alone. Even after a week of perseverance it hit her a week later that she was is alone without him. He had become routine. He had become a part of her life that seemed daily even though she knew he wasn't good for her.

She thought of moments where she'd jump out of the car, scattering on her small feet towards him before jumping into his arm. She'd think of all the moments where he'd hold her like it was the last time he'd ever see her again. She loved him. She had learnt how to love finally. But that was all thrown back into her face. She wanted to vow never to love again but she couldn't bring herself to. Her mum was right, she was too kind, too naive, too young. The world didn't deserve her. But she didn't deserve the world they were living it, it was going to eat her alive.

He didn't deserve her. She was too good for him. And this wasn't coming from a place of arrogance. It was clear. She could do so much better than him. Superficially and materialistically he was really going out of his depth to try and keep her happy but she wasn't like that. Shit like that never mattered to her and I guess it never will. But none the less she was stood by the window with the candles flickering below her, looking out to the houses in the distance, wondering how those families found love. How did those couples find and develop love? How did they come to learn how to love each other? How did they learn to trust each other? Every love she came to find had lost her, or she had lost it.

Music didn't really help either. She avoided break up songs till today. But there was this one song that was playing on her mind that she had to play. So earlier she had played it for herself while tidying her room, keeping herself occupied and realised that all this time she was dating him, telling herself how much she loved this song, she was actually telling herself subconsciously to run. But she never listened. Now she had put it on, adding to this aura she had created for herself but it was slowed and reverbed. Now she felt like she could let every last word melt into her and have her conscience communicate to her properly. What was once delicately concealed by the pink fabric of lies fed to her is now projecting the colours of the rainbow into the matrix of the universe that she had created now he had left her life and it made her sick.

As each replay of the song progressed, the less she felt the need to cry. It was as if the numb feeling of naivety and hurt was leaving her body. She now knew deep down what she needed other than the red wine she craved. She deserved better. She deserved someone who loved her without the conditions of looking for grass that is greener on the other side. What was news to him wasn't news to her. She was so emotionally intelligent and strong willed that she couldn't believe she dealt with his bullshit for even a second. Now she sees things differently, she knows differently. She needed to bring herself back to reality and do things to keep her busy and single again. He had taken up her life and that was draining her. Now instead of moping about, she could give herself the opportunity to do things that she loved.

She prayed that she'd never be treated like this again. She prayed with ever cell in her body because something like this had never happened to her before. But she wasn't him. She could acknowledge the emotions she was feeling. She was hurt. She was lied to. Her heart was battered and bruised black and blue until every shade of emotion was felt so intensely she wanted to die. But that's not what was going to happen. She wasn't going to lose herself over someone who thought with their dick and not their mind. She had put her whole life on hold for a week to try and heal and it was annoying her that things weren't progressing until she realised, wait, she was the reason things weren't improving. She wasn't letting herself get better because a part of her hoped he'd come crawling back so she could have the chance to spit in his face. But that was unlikely to happen.

So she sat down on her bed again, laptop at hand, candles flickering, sky now turning black as the clouds cave it shade of grey to show the mysteries that were taking place underneath. She watched the blinking of the line patronising her, what are you going to do next? How are you going to dedicate your time to healing while dealing with all the other problems your facing in life that you didn't tend to. She laughed as there was one thing that came to her mind: 'Message Tasfia.' This friend of hers had been ghosting for a while and she would blame her friend for being distant. But in that moment, she understood her hard working friend was putting life on hold and was trying to make ends meet. So that's what she did. She grabbed her phone and typed in a simple "hey, I hope the world is treating you well. Ramadan Kareem sweet heart <3. Be gentle on yourself, work hard, you got this! Im here for you if you need anything..."

A small smile came on her face. She was liking how this made her feel. So she started listing other things: '

be active with your skincare page, take your pictures. Don't worry about the weather, just get your posts out theremake sure you do your daily yoga and make it worth it. 20min minimum, you know you have the ability to do it, why don't you?Delete social media from your phone, give your mind a break. Read a book instead.'

Three simple rules. She could do them. They weren't much. A lot of the problems that had risen were because of social media so it was best to remove it for a while. Suddenly she remembered the song had played now 6 more times and that was no more tears. She had stopped crying for half an hour now. Half an hour of freedom from what felt like a continuum of sadness. But she was here. Finally happy.