Into The Grandiosity

Part 1

**********

My name is Fiero, and I was alive. Someone... please remember me.

Should I go with the wind? I had a gun in my hand, aimed to the side of the brain.

I was proud for living; I wanted to tell my grandchildren one day that living was the second-best choice in life if they were in my situation.

I pulled the trigger, it hit a bird that was perching on a tree near me. The bird's nature of freedom bugged me off to the point I decided to do that. At first, guilty washed over me for killing an innocent being. Somehow, the guilt only lasted for a minute.

As pathetic as it sounds, I validated the act due to envy of birds being able to fly freely and seeing it continuously bleeding was like seeing my depressing thoughts flowing out of me. Thanks to that sick moment, I gained the will to live.

With the small amount of humanity left in me, I shot the bird again to end its suffering.

Everything is a matter of perspective. I viewed the death of the bird as a sign that in order to gain something, a sacrifice is needed.

**********

22 years old; and was nameless since I was born. Others called me whatever they want, curse word or even numbers. As long as you were nameless and born in a family with ordinary titles or no official name, you had no right to tell others what you should be called.

Despite that, people who still had a considerate amount of respect would call me by my family's name, Alekseev.

In my situation, I called myself Fiero which meant pride. Sort of, to feel like a somebody instead of nobody. That I had something to be proud of and that was for living, my greatest achievement- so far. It held a huge meaning to me because I just had to hang in there while carrying my pride. If I were to give up, then all my efforts of trying to break the mold of the society would be wasted.

You have read the part where I considered to shoot myself. With no context, it definitely sounded like I was being dramatic over life problems. Right now, I'm trying to narrate this autobiography in the best way to explain my decisions in life.

**********

Running with no destination in mind was like running in circle. The mental and physical exhaustion of living in the toxic environment dragged me into a depressive state.

Back in my 'humble' middle class neighborhood, we were utterly concerned about our image to look like we were separated from the poor.

Every week on Saturday, a gathering was held to 'strengthen' our brotherhood bond. Also, to express their brainwashed love for the high class, always ready to wipe their asses.

Everyone shoved that mindset onto me.

In my teenage years, they held me against my will with other children that showed signs of rebelling for a session of 'mind purification'. Like some sort of cult.

We had to sit in the middle of the main hall, constantly being reminded of our position in the hierarchy. My blood ran cold listening to the words that were spat out,completely full of bullshit. Everyone there besides the 'rebelling' children and I, had a deep insecurity of how we could shake the system, so they tried their best to brainwash us to the core.

"Suck my ass or suck it up". A popular slogan created decades ago to keep the so called nobles of the society feeling superior.

The board members of the college I studied at used that slogan to justify their decision on kicking out all the students from a plain family background. Just to make room for the students from a better background.

They had the audacity to strip my diploma after having to wait for extra three years compared to other students. They thought I could not offer benefits to the college because of favoritism and my plain family background was the deal breaker.

"You will be just as stupid your parents. Genes also play a huge role in your success".

That's it. Everyone here is stupid! I screamed internally.

Outrageous, I ran away from home determined to kill myself with a gun I found deep in the storage of my house. My patience in tolerating them ran low as my abilities were overlooked merely by my background; and my pride was threatened.

I considered killing myself because the thought that there might be a better place out there sounded like a fantasy. Leaving the country was exclusively for the high class only. Moving to another state, the surroundings would probably be just as bad as my hometown.

Everyone there was toxic, ready to pull me down when I wanted to climb to the top. With no one to share my feelings, I bottled things up inside even when I knew the bottle was small and the feelings, mainly negative ones, were as vast as the sea.

I grew up thinking that love was a luxury. No one loved me for who I was. Not even my family.

**********

Author's note: sorry guys, I had to cut some thing and put it in a separate part since it's too long